I have not blogged much about our second attempt at invitro. To be honest, I was trying to pretend it wasn't happening. But both Brad and I were feeling really good about it. They implanted 2 more eggs on December 5th. I was so good this time. Stayed down for two days, and then took it really easy. (If you come over, don't judge me. My house is a disaster.) With it being December, I have been so busy, and have been trying not to stress about it. This week my baby brother got married, and a couple nights ago was the wedding dinner. I started feeling crampy. Then I became a wreck. Luckily, we were busy with wedding stuff, so I couldn't just sit and cry, but I couldn't shake this bad feeling I was having.
We got through the wedding yesterday, which was an amazing day, and this morning went in for blood work. I was trying to stay positive, but at the same time preparing for the worst. We got home, and just kept busy doing stuff around the house and getting Kassi ready for school.
After we had been home about an hour and a half, my phone rings. It's my Dr's office. I thought, wow, that was fast. It must be good news. I pick up, and the nurse sounds happy to talk to me. I got even more excited. Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, her tone changes. "Well, I'm sorry to say, but I have some bad news. You're not pregnant." Brad and I look at each other, and I think we mirrored the same face. Pure sadness. I started to cry, but was doing my best to hold it in until our conversation ended.
After we hung up, Brad and I just sat there, held each other, and sobbed. As much as I was trying to prepare myself for the worst, you just can't. I think about those two little blastocysts that are alive and growing when they go in me, and for some reason, they won't stick. There's no explanation. Everything, once again, looked great.
I wish I could say that I was fine. That it not working the second time is easier, but it's not. It's devastating. I don't understand. I don't know if I ever will. But I do know that the Lord loves us, and he is aware of us. We'll get through this, and move on to the next step. What that is, I don't know. But eventually we will have more kids. It may be through me. It may be through someone else. Who knows, but we will get them here. I just have to continue to be patient.
