This is what happened.

So several people have asked me to post what happened. This was my initial post that I took off. Since I am doing a lot better emotionally, I thought I would post it for those of you that are curious. I think most of you reading this are just as surprised as we were because we were so confidant and everything went so amazingly well. So instead of me having to tell everyone over and over again what happened, you can just read this. Remember, alot of strong emotions here. Thanks again for all the love and support you all have shown me. It means so much!

Over the weekend I started feeling really crampy. I began to get a little nervous. Everyone told me not to worry. That it's normal. But I couldn't shake this bad feeling. Yesterday, I woke up, went to the bathroom, and saw that I was spotting. I couldn't believe it. I just said to myself, this isn't happening, this isn't happening. I started to cry. I called Brad. He is so calm. He told me to call the Dr. I called and waited and cried and worried. One of the hardest things was doing this all in front of Kassi. When she saw me crying, she asked me what was wrong. I told her that I thought the babies didn't stay in my tummy. As I went back in the bathroom, I heard Kassi say over and over again, "Please Heavenly Father. Let mommy be pregnant." Ya. That made the crying even worse.

My nurse finally called me back and told me it was normal to spot and not to worry, but they were going to have me go get my blood drawn the next day. Everyone I talked to was so optimistic, and I tried to be, but I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that this wasn't going to turn out the way I wanted it to. As the day went on, the bleeding got a little worse and so did the cramping and so did the crying. This was exactly how I felt when I miscarried. And when you go through something like that, it's hard to not think it's happening again.

When Brad got home, I think it looked as though someone had punched me in the face, it was so swollen. I don't know a time when I have cried so hard. I just kept thinking, there's no way I'm not pregnant. Why would we get the answer that invitro was the right thing to do, and then not get pregnant? Getting pregnant was the only option with this scenerio.

Brad gave me a blessing, and it gave me so much comfort. I fell asleep quickly that night and was anxious to get the results the next day.

Lucky for me, Brad had taken the day off of work. So we went together to get my blood drawn. Everything was still the same. I was still lightly bleeding and cramping. But I felt a little more optimistic. Nothing had changed, so that had to be a good sign, right?

We got home, and waited, and waited, and waited for the results. Finally at 4pm, my nurse called. She said the pregnancy test was negative. As she kept talking, the word NEGATIVE kept ringing through my mind. I couldn't even hear what else she was saying.

I kept my composure til the very end of the conversation, and as soon as I said goodbye, I lost it. I had cried so much the day before, I didn't think I could cry anymore. Boy was I wrong. Brad just held me and we cried together. Then we sat there for, no joke, 2 hours just trying to get it through our head that this didn't work. That those 2 perfect little blastocysts that I loved so much were not going to be joining our family.

I am still wondering what went wrong. Even the drs are shocked. EVERYTHING went perfectly. To be honest, I feel dumb. I feel dumb for putting all this out there. I never thought this would happen. If I had any doubt about me getting pregnant, I never would have blogged about it. But now everyone knows, and I feel almost naive for being so positive.

I have so many emotions going through me right now. I'm mad, sad, depressed, frustrated. There have been times the past 16 hours were I just want to give up. I don't think I can handle anymore disappointment. Should I be resigned to just having one child?

I don't understand why we can't have more children. We were commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. Why did I just read an article last week about a dead baby being found in a bathroom at a store? Why didn't that baby come to us? A family that would love and cherish it more than anything?

I am digging really deep right now, trying to find that hope again. We have 5 frozen embryos. That is my silver lining. My saving grace. What is going to keep me going right now. And I have a beautiful 6 year old little girl who I love more than life. I know the Lord sent her to us to get us through this time. If not for her, well, I don't know what we'd do.

Yes, I am so sad right now. More sad than I think I've ever been before in my life, but I am blessed. And I can't forget that. This is the time when I have to remember those blessings more than anything. I am going to get through this. And someday, I'll look back at this time and be grateful. It probably won't be for a long time, but it'll happen. Someday.

It didn't happen

I had a longer post on here earlier going in detail of what happened. After thinking more about it, I decided to take it off. Everything is just a little too raw, and I feel I put too many of my private emotions out there. So as of right now. This is all I am going to put. I am not pregnant, and I am devastated.