Can I just take 5 minutes of your time to complain about Clomid? Ok good, cause I was going to anyway. ha!
Clomid is worst drug, like, EVER! Ok, probably not ever, but the worst drug I've ever taken. I've talked to some woman who didn't have many side affects, but most women do. I am one of those women. Lots of side affects. I guess it doesn't help that I am on a really strong dose. Here is what I hate the most about Clomid.
1. I brake out like i'm 15 years old. Seriously. And it's not those little zits you can pop really easily. They are boils. You know the ones that are deep under the skin that never come to a head and hurt like no tomorrow? Ya. So not fun. And they make my face red, blotchy, and swollen looking. So attractive, I know.
2. Headaches. That's all I have to say about that.
3. Weight gain or bloating. Either way I always look three months pregnant. I know what you all are thinking, but it really sucks not being able to fit into your clothes.
4. Hot flashes. Ya. I feel like I'm 50.
5. I'm crazy. Well that's how I feel anyway. My moods are all over the place. One minute I am so happy, then two seconds later I'm crying. No joke. So if you're sitting next to me in church, ignore the waterworks. It's a little uncomfortable, I know. Also, to my awesome neighbors, I'm sorry if you hear me yelling. I have been doing that a little more often lately, too. My poor family.
Anyway, thanks for listening to me vent for a bit. Hopefully this was the last time I will ever have to take this dang medicine. Ok. I'm done now.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Kassi Lost Her First Tooth!
I have been asking Kassi for the last of the several months if she has any loose teeth. She would always say no. Well my little sister is a dental assistant, actually a dental office manager right now. She asked Kassi if she could look in her mouth. That is when she noticed Kassi had a tooth already growing in behind the front one. So we tried over the next couple weeks to get the tooth out. But Kassi started to not want us to touch it. In the mean time, the tooth continued to grow. So, in order to avoid a really crooked tooth, we went to the dentist to get it pulled. They gave her some laughing gas, which was hilarious.
Here is the after pic.
She was so good! I had to step out of the room when the Dr Corbin Strinfellow, (the best dentist!) pulled the tooth out. For some reason it makes me sick. But she didn't make a peep. I'm sure the laughing gas helped that. :)
Here is a pic with Kassi and my sister, Laura.
She was so excited to get a dollar for her tooth from the tooth fairy that night.
Here is a pic with Kassi and my sister, Laura.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
A Trial Of My Faith
How many times have I posted on here about having faith? Gosh, in the 4 years since I've miscarried, I couldn't even count the numorous times I've talked about having faith. In the 4 plus years we've been trying to have more children, and I've been talking about having faith, not once have I acknowledged the fact that I was losing it instead of keeping it, until recently.
I have always had a very strong testimony of the gospel. Never once doubted the truthfulness of it. But for some reason, for some time now, I've stopped working on that testimony. I do the things I'm supposed to do. Go to church, read my scriptures, pray, attend the temple as often as I can, but can I honestly say that I was working on my testimony? No, I can't.
I remember as a teenager, I would spend hours on my knees, and my relationship with my Heavenly Father was so strong. I would go to him with questions and knew without a doubt I would get an answer, whether it be the one I wanted or not. Whenever I felt alone, I knew I was never "alone" because I always felt my Savior close by.
And as much as I hate to admit this, I've lost that. I've lost that close relationship I had with the Lord. I've been wondering why, for actually quite awhile now. And ya know what? I know why. When I was in high school, I would wake up at 4:30am to go do baptisms before school every Tuesday. I was constantly making those spirtual sacrifices everyday. I was working on it.
I knew there were things missing in my life. And me going through this whole infertility stuff made it worse. Why when the Lord has commanded us to "multiply and replenish" the earth would he make us wait so long to have more children, and make us go through so much to get them here? I know without a shadow of a doubt the Lord has a reason for this trial, but that almost made things worse for me. I kept thinking,"I know Heavenly Father has more children to send us, so what the heck is taking so long?" I just kept thinking why, and I almost started to push myself even further away from the Lord.
Well, a couple months ago, Brad did what I didn't have the strength to do. He had no idea the torment that was tearing me apart. No one did. But Brad sat me down and said,"I feel like we aren't doing enough. I got a really strong impression that we need to do more. We aren't showing enough faith." I burst into tears, because that was what the Lord had been telling me for a long time, I was just too set in my ways to do anything about it.
Brad told me how he thinks we should be fasting more and going to the temple weekly. And even as he is telling me this, and I know what he is saying is true, I feel the pressure of Satan bearing down on me, and it is a fight within myself. I don't want to change. I am a good person. I am doing exactly what the Lord has asked. Why should I have to do more? Shouldn't what I am doing now be enough?
I swallow those feelings, though, and I agree, secretly ashamed of myself for feeling the way I do. That night I prayed. Harder than I have in a long time. I asked for forgiveness, and prayed for the understanding of what the Lord wants me to do. That night, for the first time in a very long time, I felt that hug. That warmth, that peace that I was searching for for so long, and was just too prideful to see it. And that week when we went to the temple, as we sat in the Celestial Room, I had the most amazing experiance I have ever had in the temple before,(besides my marriage.) I received the answers I was looking for, and it makes me so sad for all the time I've wasted.
They say faith without works is dead. For so long, all I did was talk about my faith, but never did anything for it. Brad and I have gone to the temple every week for the past six weeks, and I can't even begin to tell you the difference it has made in our lives. Not just with the whole infertility thing, but just in our everyday lives. Satan was working on me for so long, and it makes me angry to think of the time I missed feeling this way. I'm so at peace with everything. Do I still have my hard days? Heck ya. But the difference is, instead of Satan bringing me down even lower, I feel my Savior's love lifting me up.
I am so grateful for this gospel. For my Savior, and the love I know he has for me. Now the big question is, what does he have in store for me for these next couple months? Pregnancy? Invitro? Adoption? We did AI today, so I'm praying for the first. :)
I have always had a very strong testimony of the gospel. Never once doubted the truthfulness of it. But for some reason, for some time now, I've stopped working on that testimony. I do the things I'm supposed to do. Go to church, read my scriptures, pray, attend the temple as often as I can, but can I honestly say that I was working on my testimony? No, I can't.
I remember as a teenager, I would spend hours on my knees, and my relationship with my Heavenly Father was so strong. I would go to him with questions and knew without a doubt I would get an answer, whether it be the one I wanted or not. Whenever I felt alone, I knew I was never "alone" because I always felt my Savior close by.
And as much as I hate to admit this, I've lost that. I've lost that close relationship I had with the Lord. I've been wondering why, for actually quite awhile now. And ya know what? I know why. When I was in high school, I would wake up at 4:30am to go do baptisms before school every Tuesday. I was constantly making those spirtual sacrifices everyday. I was working on it.
I knew there were things missing in my life. And me going through this whole infertility stuff made it worse. Why when the Lord has commanded us to "multiply and replenish" the earth would he make us wait so long to have more children, and make us go through so much to get them here? I know without a shadow of a doubt the Lord has a reason for this trial, but that almost made things worse for me. I kept thinking,"I know Heavenly Father has more children to send us, so what the heck is taking so long?" I just kept thinking why, and I almost started to push myself even further away from the Lord.
Well, a couple months ago, Brad did what I didn't have the strength to do. He had no idea the torment that was tearing me apart. No one did. But Brad sat me down and said,"I feel like we aren't doing enough. I got a really strong impression that we need to do more. We aren't showing enough faith." I burst into tears, because that was what the Lord had been telling me for a long time, I was just too set in my ways to do anything about it.
Brad told me how he thinks we should be fasting more and going to the temple weekly. And even as he is telling me this, and I know what he is saying is true, I feel the pressure of Satan bearing down on me, and it is a fight within myself. I don't want to change. I am a good person. I am doing exactly what the Lord has asked. Why should I have to do more? Shouldn't what I am doing now be enough?
I swallow those feelings, though, and I agree, secretly ashamed of myself for feeling the way I do. That night I prayed. Harder than I have in a long time. I asked for forgiveness, and prayed for the understanding of what the Lord wants me to do. That night, for the first time in a very long time, I felt that hug. That warmth, that peace that I was searching for for so long, and was just too prideful to see it. And that week when we went to the temple, as we sat in the Celestial Room, I had the most amazing experiance I have ever had in the temple before,(besides my marriage.) I received the answers I was looking for, and it makes me so sad for all the time I've wasted.
They say faith without works is dead. For so long, all I did was talk about my faith, but never did anything for it. Brad and I have gone to the temple every week for the past six weeks, and I can't even begin to tell you the difference it has made in our lives. Not just with the whole infertility thing, but just in our everyday lives. Satan was working on me for so long, and it makes me angry to think of the time I missed feeling this way. I'm so at peace with everything. Do I still have my hard days? Heck ya. But the difference is, instead of Satan bringing me down even lower, I feel my Savior's love lifting me up.
I am so grateful for this gospel. For my Savior, and the love I know he has for me. Now the big question is, what does he have in store for me for these next couple months? Pregnancy? Invitro? Adoption? We did AI today, so I'm praying for the first. :)
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