So it's been a month since my last post. I feel like I am so behind on everything. So this is going to be my last post on the whole infertility/invitro stuff for now. I really need to catch up on all the other stuff that is going on in my life.
So when people see me they always ask how I am doing with everything. For awhile, I didn't want to talk about it because I was an emotional wreck. And then I would think I had my emotions under control, and I would just break down and cry randomly. Last month was the biggest emotional roller coaster I have ever been on. More than anything I just felt frustrated. I just kept thinking about all the what ifs. What if I didn't stay down long enough? What if I was stressing out too much? What if something else is wrong with me? Thinking that much can down right make you crazy.
So I got to a point where I just didn't think about it. But I don't think suppressing all the feelings were good, either. There were times when I got really depressed, and felt like not even getting out of bed in the morning. I would plead with the Lord for some understanding. Something to help me get through this.
Well, it came last weekend through General Conference. The talks were amazing. And I was feeling so uplifted listening to them. But then there came a talk about children. I don't even remember the speaker, but I cried throughout the whole talk. And after that talk was over, I paused the TV,(thank goodness for a DVR) and started venting to Brad. I told him that I am really starting to dislike the phrase "Multiply and replenish the earth." This specific talk had said it several times. As I was talking, I started feeling frustrated. We are commanded to multiply and replenish the earth, and so many good people are not able to. And it makes me kinda angry.
Brad listened to me vent, and then told me he understood why I was frustrated, but I needed to focus on the good things in our lives. And we sat and talked about how blessed we are. We talked about Kassi and how much we love her, and how lucky we are to have her. And then it hit me. I have been so focused on getting pregnant, that I have been letting alot of precious time go by. My daughter is six, and in Kindergarten. I don't have much time before she is going to be gone all day at school. I feel like I have been crazy mommy for so long because of all the hormones and drugs I've been on that I haven't exactly been the nicest person in the world. It was then and there I decided no more. No more being depressed. No more being impatient. I have let too much time slip by. I need to focus more on the family I have now, and not the family I may have in the future. I want to be happy. I don't want to be stressed anymore. I'm sick of my infertility consuming my life.
As Brad and I continued to talk, I told him I don't know what I am going to do if not one of these 5 little frozen babies we have stick. And he said, "We will move on. It'll be hard, but we will stay focused on the positive in our lives, and we'll get through it. We'll adopt." And I thought, you know what? He's right. We are going to have more children. Whether it's through us or someone else, our family will continue to grow. I KNOW that. The Lord has many things in store for us. And that is why I am letting go. Letting go of all the negativity, anger, sadness, frustrations. Because I know it's going to work out. It may not be the way we were planning, but it will work out. It doesn't mean I will never cry over our infertility problems, but it does mean I will not let it define who I am. I am not a woman who can't have more children. I am a happily married woman with a beautiful daughter, and the gospel in my life. How can I ask for anything more than that?
