Blessed

Tonight I feel the need to express my gratitude. So many things have been happening the past month that has altered my perspective on life in general. I know alot of you know this, but my husband got called to be Bishop of our ward at the end of February. Life has changed as we know it. For the good, and some things not so good, but it already has changed my life.

I was talking to a friend, and we were talking about our trials. We then talked about another one of our friend's trials, and we both said we don't know how she does it. She is always so strong and optimistic. I know if I was in her shoes, I would not be as strong as she has been. But then my friend said the same thing about me. That she would be devastated if she was in my shoes. But it's funny, cause I was thinking the same thing about the trials she has gone through. As hard as this trial has been for me, it's my trial. And I wouldn't trade it with anyone else's. Sounds weird, but I am a different and better person becasue of it, and I have been trying to focus on all the good that I do have in my life, and I have SO much. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I am so blessed.

I've come to realize that even more with my husband's new calling. Not because he tells me what's going on, but because people have opened up to me about their situations, and I realize how sad the world is. You hear those commercials that one in every 5 children go to bed hungry, or something like that, and it makes me so sad. But when you literally know someone that lives close to you that has a child that is not getting enough food, it makes me sick to my stomach.

Tonight, Brad called me from the church at 11pm, and told me to fill a couple bags up of groceries for a family that has no food. They even went to the store today, and stole milk because they didn't have anything for their toddler to eat. I got off the phone in tears. Was this really happening in my own backyard? To my neighbors, people in my ward? He didn't tell me who it was, but I felt very strongly that I needed to help this little family. I put some food in some grocery sacks, Brad came home, and left to take it to them. When he got back, he didn't say much, but I asked him how it went, and with tears in his eyes, he said, "Good".

This is one of the many stories that have touched my heart deeply. Brad and I don't have alot of money. With all our invitro bills we have had to cut down on things significantly, but we still have enough money to pay our bills, our mortgage, buy food. Stuff that most of the time we all take for granted. Not once have I ever had to worry that there wasn't enough food to feed Kassi. So many people don't have that luxury.

One other thing I am grateful for is my church. The LDS chruch gives so much. Without their welfare program so many people would be on the streets, starving. How blessed I am to be part of this religion.

There are still days that I struggle with not being able to get pregnant. It's those dark times when I sit down, and mentally go over everything I am blessed with. That changes my mood usually very quickly. How can I complain when I have so much?

The last thing I want to put out there is to listen to the spirit. There may be people all around you who are struggling. Just listen to that still small voice, and when you feel prompted to do something, do it. You never know when you may change someone's life.

Here's What Happened.....

I know pretty much all of you who read my blog know what has happened. I've started writing this post several times, and was just too emotional to continue with it. I think I have things a little more under control, but I warn you. This post is still going to be very emotional for me.

A couple weeks ago, Brad and I went in for blood work to find out if I was pregnant. I had prepared myself that morning of what the results were going to be. I had started to really focus on adoption so when I heard the news that I wasn't pregnant, I would have something to look forward to.

My phone rings. It's my dr's office. I pick it up. Noone's there. Weird. We wait for a minute to see if they call back. Then, without my phone ringing again, I have a voicemail. "Great," I said to Brad, "I get to hear the bad news in a message." I started listening. The nurse told me she had good news. There was implantation. My HCG level was at a 17. Anything over 1 is considered pregnant. While I was listening, I think my eyes got really big, because Brad's did the same thing. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I WAS PREGNANT! I got off the phone and Brad and I broke into tears. We cried and cried. I kept saying, no way, no way. I just couldn't believe that after over 5 years, we finally got the news that we were pregnant. We got down on our knees and thanked our Heavenly Father for the most amazing gift he could ever give us. Another child. We were ecstatic beyond words. We were so excited for Kassi to get home from school so we could tell her. We called our families. Texted close friends. We couldn't contain our happiness. I had bought a big sister shirt for Kassi several years ago, and had stuck it in her closet. Waiting for that day that she would be able to wear it. I got it out, wrapped it up, and when she got home, we got the video camara out, and had her open her gift. She was so excited!

I then posted the news on FB. So many people knew we were finding out that day and were waiting to hear the results. I was so excited to let everyone know. Everyone was so suppportive and happy for our family. I loved sharing the news with all my friends.

The next couple days were filled with looking at the baby online with Kassi. Seeing how big it was. What it looked like. Looking at my maternity clothes. Eating extra healthy. My life had instantly changed. I was pregnant. I felt like my life was moving forward. That this baby we have been waiting for for so long was finlly joining our family.

My nurse told me I would be going in on Thursday to get more blood work done. Just to make sure all my levels were continuing to go up. I was so excited to see where they were at because if they were really high, that was a good indication that I was having twins. We would be thrilled to have twins. But we would be happy with just one. Never did it cross my mind that there was another option.

Thursday morning I went in, got my blood work done, came home, got Kassi ready for school, and sent her off. Not ten minutes later, my dr's office called. I picked up, and my nurse told me she had bad news. As soon as she said that, it felt like my heart stopped. I think I stopped breathing, too. She told me my numbers had gone down significantly, and that meant I no longer had a "viable pregnancy." She said a couple other things, but I have no idea what it was. I hung up and started sobbing. Not just sobbing, but the kind of crying where your whole body shakes. I don't think I have ever cried so hard. This isn't happening. It's not possible. I am pregnant. I was told I am pregnant. After I called Brad and my mom, I looked up, and as I cried, plead with the Lord. "Why? Why would you give me this most precious gift, and then take it away?" I was on the highest of highs, and at that moment, I have never felt lower.

Thank goodness Brad left work and came home to be with me. We cried together for what seemed like hours. I couldn't believe it. I have never been so devastated in all my life. I felt like I was in a nightmare, and I couldn't wake up. We were so happy. There aren't even words to describe how happy we were. And now this.

Brad told Kassi on the way home from the bus stop. She walked in, and said, "It's okay mommmy. We can adopt a baby." I was trying so hard to be strong for her, and as soon as she said that, I started bawling again. When she saw how upset I was, she started to cry. We all sat and cried together.

Brad and I prayed for peace. I needed more than ever to be able to feel my Savior's love. But I was so overcome with shock and frustration, I wasn't feeling it. I won't lie. I was a little angry. Why did he make me pregnant in the first place? It would have been hard to hear that invitro didn't work once again, but it would have been so much easier than hearing that I was pregnant, and finding out I lost the baby.

Brad took Kassi upstairs, and as I sat down in my front room, I saw this framed scripture a dear friend gave to me. "Be still and know that I am God." I put that scripture out where I could see it everyday as a reminder to me that I am not in control, and that I need to have faith in my Savior. As I sat and looked at it that day, I repeated it to myself over and over. Trying to will myself to "Be Still." I spent many more hours and many more days crying. Praying and pleading with the Lord for peace.

I don't know when it came. Honestly. I wish I could say there was one moment when I just felt the grief melt away, but it wasn't like that. It has been a day by day process. Does my heart still ache when I think about that baby that was here so briefly, yet touched our lives so dramatically? Yes. So so much. Did I break down in tears when I sat in my OB's office watching all the pregnant women? Yes. And what do you say to your daughter when she says, "Mom, it's not fair." Me: "What's not fair?" Kassi: "It's not fair that all my friends have little brothers and sisters and I don't." When she said that to me last week, I was shocked. Kassi is so happy. Pretty much the happiest little girl I know. She's never said anything like that to me. You know what I said? "Kassi, Heavenly Father is going to send you a little brother or sister. I promise." You know what I wanted to say? Your right. It's not fair. It's not fair that children all over the world are being abused and neglected. They are homeless and starving. And even though I am not a perfect mom by any means, I would love that child more than anyone could love a child. It's not fair. But guess what? Life isn't fair. It's not fair that I have friends who have cancer, or that I have friends who are out of work. I have friends who have never been married, and friends who are divorced. Friends who are struggling with addiction, and friends who have sick children. The list goes on and on.

This is life. We aren't here for a free ride. How can we get stronger if we don't go through trials? But here's what it comes down to. How do we get through these trials? Am I ashamed for how I have handled this last bump in the road? No. Because I am human. I am so far from perfect it's not even funny. I have had some hard and bitter days. Not once has my faith wavered, but that doesn't mean I haven't asked questions. Haven't wondered why.

But I love my Savior. He has felt what I am feeling. He knows exactly what I am going through. And you know what? I love my life. I do. Does what happened suck? Ya. But I am still blessed beyond what I deserve. And I am going to focus on that. How do people live their lives being so negative all the time? Don't get me wrong. It's okay to have bad days, and cry it out. It's good for us, but I don't want to be miserable. What a sad way of life. I WANT to be happy. And one thing I can say that is good that has come out of this trial, is how strong I've become. If you would have told me 9 months ago when I started the whole invitro process that I would not get a baby out of this, I would have told you that I wouldn't be able to get through that. That I'm not strong enough. But I am. I'm not through it yet, but I know now that I can get through it. The Lord's not going to put us through these trials, and then leave us to get through it by ourselves. As mad and frustrated as I get, I know he has never left my side. I'm so grateful for that knowledge. I would be lost without it.

What's happening next you may ask? Well, we are going the adoption route, which we feel good about, but my heart is still healing. I have to let go of the idea that I will be carrying our next child. I was so excited to be able to be pregnant again. To be able to feel the baby move, to have another child that looks like me and my husband, that looks like Kassi. But I have to focus on what we really want, and that's not for me to be pregnant, but for us to have more children. And I'm more excited for that more than anything. I just have to give myself a little more time to heal, but the thing that's so great is that I know that I will.

Beautiful Heartbreak

I found this video on one of my friend's blogs. It hit me very strongly. Everyone of us has had a heartbreak in our lives. No matter what your trial is, it's your trial, and it's okay to cry and have hard days. But for me, what it has come down to, is what have I learned from this, and how has it made me better? I hope every heartbreak that you all are going through will become a "beautiful" one. xoxo

Third Times A Charm.......we hope

I can't believe how horrible I have been at blogging! I was trying to get caught up, and that obviously hasn't happened. So I decided to take a break from the picture posts, and do an update on our fertility situation.

We are doing our third and final round of invitro in March. So crazy. Not much is different this time. I did my month of birth control, which was a nightmare. Or should I say I was the nightmare. This medicine made me literally crazy! I would yell one second and be crying the next. Then not 2 minutes later I'm laughing. Seriously crazy. And it gave me migraines. So I am so happy to be off that, and I will NEVER have to go on it again. YAY!

I've been on my estrogen for a couple weeks, and yesterday I started my progesterone. I am also on Lovonox. Crap. Let me back up a bit. After my second round of invitro, I was talking to my very frustrated dr, and he could not figure out why the heck I am not getting pregnant. So he decided to do another series of blood tests on me. Tests that aren't even done in Utah. Which is weird. But I didn't ask any questions. I just got my blood drawn here and then sent it off to Chicago. Well, one of the tests came back positive. In the very simplest terms it said that I was not getting enough blood to my uterus. So now I am on Lovonox. A blood thinner that is a shot that goes in my tummy. Thought I would be used to it when my husband gave me the shot last night. Nope. Still hurts. But you do what you gotta do.

There will be several other meds that I will be starting this week, but I am sure you don't really care to know what those are. ;)

Several people have asked me how it all works. So I will briefly explain the frozen embryo transfer process. The morning of the transfer, I have to drink lots and lots of water. On my way there, I take a Valium. Yup, they want you nice and relaxed during the process. By the time I get there, Brad has to help me walk straight inside because the only thing I can think about is not wetting myself. The Valium has kicked in, and if I'm not careful, I will wet my pants. Luckily they get us back pretty quickly, I lay down, and they bring in what looks like an incubator thing. (Now keep in mind, I am totally drugged up at this time and have to pee SO bad, I'm not really paying attention to my surroundings.) The dr is there. He gets a really long skinny tube like device, puts it, um, where it's supposed to go. At the same time they have the ultrasound thingy pressing really hard on my lower abdomen, and then they shoot the little babies up there. Well, not literally shoot, but somehow they put them in the skinny tube and get them in my uterus. The dr double checks to make sure they are in there, and Voila, they're done. I don't watch the ultrasound because I'm doing my best not to pee on the dr's hands, but Brad does, and he says it's really neat. He's sees the little embryos go in. Now they just need to stick!

Anyway, sorry if that was a little TMI. I just know a lot of people are curious. So my friend asked me how I was feeling about doing invitro this final time. "Are you excited?" she asked. Well, I wouldn't really describe myself as excited. The first time I was. It was like Christmas morning the day of my transfer. The second time I was cautiously optimistic. The third time? The best way to describe me is peaceful. Surprised? Ha! I kinda am too. I do have a lot of other things on my mind right now, but both Brad and I feel very at peace with everything. Will it be hard if it doesn't work? Very. But Brad and I also feel very good about adopting. We know that we have done everything we physically could to get pregnant, and if it doesn't work, we know that it's not the Lord's will. Right now anyway.

We went to an adoption orientation at LDS Family Services in January. It was awesome. So neat to learn how it all works. And we will continue that process if we don't get pregnant this time.

The Lord works in mysterious ways, and I am coming to understand some things that I didn't before. I am actually grateful for this trial. Not that we don't have more kids, but the way it's changed Brad and me. We are SO much stronger because of all this. Our testimonies, our marriage, the way we look at life in general has changed. And you know what? If I could, I wouldn't change a thing. I know we are going to have more children. Whether it's through me or someone else, we are going to have more kids.

I feel my Savior's love so strongly. I know he is aware of my challenges. Not just mine, but all of ours. And he loves us so much, and those darkest times, when I have felt so alone, I know he has lifted me up. Because I wouldn't have been able to get through this without him.

One other thing that has been a huge blessing to me is all of you. I am amazed at all the love people have shown Brad and me. I really, truly, love you all. I will never be the same because of YOU! So thank you, and if you don't mind, say a little prayer for Brad and me. We have alot of things going on right now, and could sure use some extra strength.

Hopefully in a couple weeks you'll be hearing some good news from me! Yay! Can't wait!

Halloween 2011 Part 1

Holy crap. I am SO behind! I am trying to catch up. So this post is going to be pics with little wording. Hopefully. I tend to talk to much. Lol!

We went to Gardner Village with my mom, my sis-in-law, Heather, and her sons. It was so fun. And the kids loved it!

Kassi, Zach, and Danny. None of the kids wanted to stand close to the witch. Too funny.

Heather, Zach, Danny, and Max

Such cute kiddos.

Me and my Sassy.

My Mom with the Grandkids.

After we went to Gardner Village we headed over to my in-laws for a fun Halloween Party.
Kassi with my mom and dad-in-law.

Both Kassi and my nephew, Ty, were vampires this year. So cute!

Group pic with the grandkids.

With Grandma Deanne.

It was a fun, and extremely busy Halloween! Love this time of year!

The Little Mermaid at Tuachan

Kassi and I were so lucky to see the Little Mermaid at Tuachan in October with my mom-in-law and sister-in-laws. We had such a blast going down to St George. The production was amazing! I'd never been to Tuachan before, and it is beautiful there! Can't wait to go again!

Group pic before heading to dinner.

Another group pic before heading into the show.

Kassi and me waiting for the show to start.

Kassi, Cambree, and Hailey.

After the show, Wendy, Hailey, and Cambree.

Deanne, Kassi, Hailey, Cambree, and Kristen.

Me and Kassi.

We had so much fun! I have the best in-laws, ever!

30th Birthday Surprise!

I can't believe I turned 30 back in October! I seriously still feel 23. I actually was really struggling with turning 30. I know. I know. 30 is still young. I heard that every time I told someone I was having a hard time with this birthday.

But I wasn't struggling because I was 30. I was struggling with where I was at in my life at 30. When I got married at 21, I naively had planned how it was all going to work out. I got married young, so we would wait a year, and then I'd get pregnant. I'd have the first two kids a couple years apart, then I'd wait three years, and have my last two. I would be done having kids by the time I was 30. Brad and I would be young parents, and have the kids out of the house by our 50's. Then we could travel and enjoy our grandkids while we were still young.

It's so dumb when I think about it now. But my mom was fertile myrtle. She got pregnant when she was thinking about it. I thought I would be the same way.

So as I approached 30, with no end in sight, when it came to the kids situation, I just felt so empty. So incomplete. So stuck.

And once you hit the magical number of 30, your chances of getting pregnant go down even lower. So, now do you see why I was dreading this birthday a little bit?

About a month before my birthday, Brad called me from work and told me that a vendor had invited all their clients to a dinner at Ruth's Chris, (a very delicious and very expensive restaurant.) Something I was very excited about because this had happened before, but only Brad was able to go. He said he didn't know the date yet, but would find out in a couple weeks.

Brad called me from work a couple weeks later, and told me it was going to be on October 3rd, (my birthday,) and if I would be okay going there that night. Are you kidding me? I was thrilled! A nice expensive dinner, for FREE! How great is that! I called my mom to see if she could watch Kassi, and of course she could! It was all working out.

The night of my birthday, we headed over to my parent's, dropped off Kassi, and as I was walking outside, SURPRISE! There was my family, Brad's family, and my closet friends from high school. Our families are so big with spouses and kids, and since it was at my parent's house, he wanted to keep it as small as possible, so don't be offended if you weren't invited. :)

Anyway, I was BLOWN away! I was speechless, and if you know me that doesn't happen very often. My cute hubby had been planning this for 6 weeks! Emailing all my friends, and family. I just never thought Brad would do this. He's the best husband, ever, but he doesn't like parties very much. So I never thought he would plan one himself!

It was the best party! I had such a great time, (even though I didn't get to go to Ruth's Chris.) Lol! And I realized that yes, my life isn't where I thought it would be at this time, but I am so truly blessed, and so happy. I love my life. And I'm grateful that 30 ended up being the best birthday, ever!

I didn't get pics of everyone, unfortunately, but here are most of the party people.
Me with one of my best friends, Linsey, her husband, Eric, and their daughter, London.

My cousin, Brian, his wife Alicia, and their baby, Brody.

My Uncle Steve, Aunt Liz, and cousin, Robbie.

My other 2 besties, Carly and Lisa. Sorry that you are missing Melissa!

Brad and me

My Father-in-law and my sister-in-law, Wendy.

My mom-in-law, and sis-in-law, Kristen.

Me and my sister, Laura.

My sis-in-law, Heather, and her kids, Zach, Danny, and Max. My bro Jarom is missing from this pic. I love the boy's faces in this pic. Priceless! Lol!

My brother, Justin, and his wife Jennica.

Me with my mom, dad, and Kassi, (who is in her jammies and very tired at the end of the party.)

Here are pics from earlier in the day when I was opening my gifts from Brad.