Adoption 101

I have had several people tell me that I need to update my blog. And I know! It's been way too long since I have given the update on what's been going on in our home. Well, we are adopting!!!! Yay! Most of you probably already knew that, but for those who didn't, Surprise! Lol! We are actually almost done with the process. :) Let me brake it down for ya quickly, since most people are interested on how it is done. We are going through LDS Family Services, which has been AMAZING so far by the way. We initially went in for the orientation back in January to get more info even before our third round of invitro. We felt really good about it then, but still had 2 frozen embryos that needed to be used, and we needed to get that done before we were fully 100% invested in adoption. After we lost the baby in March, we gave it a couple months before the next step, which was getting a reference letter from our Bishop. Well, Brad is the Bishop of our ward now, so we had to get it from our stake president. Once they got that, our caseworker called us in and talked to Brad and I for an hour. Pretty much just getting to know us, and making sure we were mentally stable. Haha! After we met with her we paid our deposit and started phase 1 of the paperwork. Phase 1 included getting medical releases from Brad's, Kassi's, and my doctors, getting a background check, getting Brad's work to fill out paperwork, copies of our drivers licences and social security cards, (we had both lost our social security cards, so we had to go get copies of that,) birth certificates, (Brad had lost his,) marriage license, (yes, we had lost that, too,) and a fertility evaluation from my OB. We had to get 5 reference letters, fill out personal info about us, marriage info, info about Kassi, Brad's employment info, and church info(callings, etc.) Phase 2 was a doozy. Holy cow. They delve SO deep into your personal life. You have to give them financial documents, tax returns, etc, and insurance info. Then they ask you info about your parents. Their age, their address, their education, their occupation, their physical description, their hobbies/interests, and then you have to give all that info for every single one of your siblings. Continuing on you then have to do a matching sheet. For each of us. That includes the same thing that we just did for our family members, just a little more detailed. Oh, and then we needed to do one for Kassi. Then came the questionnaire. This was insane. There were 12 topics, and each topic had up to 6 questions each. These weren't yes or no questions. These were detailed essay questions, and it felt like it took FOREVER to answer them. But we did it! And I'm SO relieved. After finishing phase 2, we had 10 hours of classes we needed to take. So a couple weeks ago, Brad and I went on a Friday night and all day Saturday to the classes. They were so great! We learned a ton! Now we are in phase 3. That consists of your preferences, (age and race, and we will take any race in case you were wondering.) :) Then it asks you about birth conditions. I don't need to bore you with that, but it goes into detail about lots of diseases, deformities, physical and mental retardation, etc. There are 20 getting to know you questions, and this phase is where we write our birth parent letter, and do our profile. Also contact info, and where we upload a ton of pictures. There are a couple other things, but that's pretty much it. We are hoping to have our profile up in a couple weeks! We just need to write it and get our home study done. Hopefully I can post again before then. Things have just been so busy between getting all this done, church stuff, babysitting, and family. I hope you found this post very informative. LOL! Sorry it was a little boring. I will go into more personal experiences next time!

Justin and Jennica's Wedding

My youngest brother got married in December. It was such a beautiful wedding, and he married the best girl, ever! We are so excited to have Jennica in our family. We already love her so much. First, here is my beautiful Kassi.

Coming out of the temple. Don't they look so happy???? :)

Justin giving Kassi a hug. She LOVES her Uncle Justin!

Our lil' fam.

Kassi and Jennica's sister, Carly, holding the train.

At the reception. Justin and Jenn with the grandkids.

So, my camera is really old, and pretty much all my pictures turned out fuzzy. So so sad! But I still need to put them on here. Here are my mom and her step mom my Grandma Joan.

Our family

Heather, Laura, and me.

Us girls with my mom.

Me and Justin.

Laura and Kassi.

Me and my Kass.

Me with two of my brothers, Jordan and Jarom.

My four siblings. Aren't they good-lookin? ;)

My whole family. (Jordan's wife and kids weren't able to make it, though.)

Just the boys.

Justin and Jenn with my parents. Aren't they a beautiful couple???

I'm hoping to get more of the professional pics, but here are these for now. It was such a beautiful wedding?

Catch up

This is sad that I am posting Halloween pictures. Really? I'm SO behind. So here we go...... This is Kassi at school and walking in the Halloween parade with her cousin Zach.

At Grandma and Grandpa S's house with her cousins, Zach, Danny, and Max.

With G and G.

Our lil family. (I was a gypsy. :))

I had so much fun going to see Breaking Dawn part 1 with my sis-in-law, Kristin, and my awesome friend, Karey. And despite what the critics said, I LOVED the movie!

Next we had Thanksgiving at my in-laws. So fun! Here we are waiting for dinner!

Almost done with 2011. Then it's on to 2012!

My Mom's Mother's Day Gift

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Blessed

Tonight I feel the need to express my gratitude. So many things have been happening the past month that has altered my perspective on life in general. I know alot of you know this, but my husband got called to be Bishop of our ward at the end of February. Life has changed as we know it. For the good, and some things not so good, but it already has changed my life.

I was talking to a friend, and we were talking about our trials. We then talked about another one of our friend's trials, and we both said we don't know how she does it. She is always so strong and optimistic. I know if I was in her shoes, I would not be as strong as she has been. But then my friend said the same thing about me. That she would be devastated if she was in my shoes. But it's funny, cause I was thinking the same thing about the trials she has gone through. As hard as this trial has been for me, it's my trial. And I wouldn't trade it with anyone else's. Sounds weird, but I am a different and better person becasue of it, and I have been trying to focus on all the good that I do have in my life, and I have SO much. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I am so blessed.

I've come to realize that even more with my husband's new calling. Not because he tells me what's going on, but because people have opened up to me about their situations, and I realize how sad the world is. You hear those commercials that one in every 5 children go to bed hungry, or something like that, and it makes me so sad. But when you literally know someone that lives close to you that has a child that is not getting enough food, it makes me sick to my stomach.

Tonight, Brad called me from the church at 11pm, and told me to fill a couple bags up of groceries for a family that has no food. They even went to the store today, and stole milk because they didn't have anything for their toddler to eat. I got off the phone in tears. Was this really happening in my own backyard? To my neighbors, people in my ward? He didn't tell me who it was, but I felt very strongly that I needed to help this little family. I put some food in some grocery sacks, Brad came home, and left to take it to them. When he got back, he didn't say much, but I asked him how it went, and with tears in his eyes, he said, "Good".

This is one of the many stories that have touched my heart deeply. Brad and I don't have alot of money. With all our invitro bills we have had to cut down on things significantly, but we still have enough money to pay our bills, our mortgage, buy food. Stuff that most of the time we all take for granted. Not once have I ever had to worry that there wasn't enough food to feed Kassi. So many people don't have that luxury.

One other thing I am grateful for is my church. The LDS chruch gives so much. Without their welfare program so many people would be on the streets, starving. How blessed I am to be part of this religion.

There are still days that I struggle with not being able to get pregnant. It's those dark times when I sit down, and mentally go over everything I am blessed with. That changes my mood usually very quickly. How can I complain when I have so much?

The last thing I want to put out there is to listen to the spirit. There may be people all around you who are struggling. Just listen to that still small voice, and when you feel prompted to do something, do it. You never know when you may change someone's life.

Here's What Happened.....

I know pretty much all of you who read my blog know what has happened. I've started writing this post several times, and was just too emotional to continue with it. I think I have things a little more under control, but I warn you. This post is still going to be very emotional for me.

A couple weeks ago, Brad and I went in for blood work to find out if I was pregnant. I had prepared myself that morning of what the results were going to be. I had started to really focus on adoption so when I heard the news that I wasn't pregnant, I would have something to look forward to.

My phone rings. It's my dr's office. I pick it up. Noone's there. Weird. We wait for a minute to see if they call back. Then, without my phone ringing again, I have a voicemail. "Great," I said to Brad, "I get to hear the bad news in a message." I started listening. The nurse told me she had good news. There was implantation. My HCG level was at a 17. Anything over 1 is considered pregnant. While I was listening, I think my eyes got really big, because Brad's did the same thing. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I WAS PREGNANT! I got off the phone and Brad and I broke into tears. We cried and cried. I kept saying, no way, no way. I just couldn't believe that after over 5 years, we finally got the news that we were pregnant. We got down on our knees and thanked our Heavenly Father for the most amazing gift he could ever give us. Another child. We were ecstatic beyond words. We were so excited for Kassi to get home from school so we could tell her. We called our families. Texted close friends. We couldn't contain our happiness. I had bought a big sister shirt for Kassi several years ago, and had stuck it in her closet. Waiting for that day that she would be able to wear it. I got it out, wrapped it up, and when she got home, we got the video camara out, and had her open her gift. She was so excited!

I then posted the news on FB. So many people knew we were finding out that day and were waiting to hear the results. I was so excited to let everyone know. Everyone was so suppportive and happy for our family. I loved sharing the news with all my friends.

The next couple days were filled with looking at the baby online with Kassi. Seeing how big it was. What it looked like. Looking at my maternity clothes. Eating extra healthy. My life had instantly changed. I was pregnant. I felt like my life was moving forward. That this baby we have been waiting for for so long was finlly joining our family.

My nurse told me I would be going in on Thursday to get more blood work done. Just to make sure all my levels were continuing to go up. I was so excited to see where they were at because if they were really high, that was a good indication that I was having twins. We would be thrilled to have twins. But we would be happy with just one. Never did it cross my mind that there was another option.

Thursday morning I went in, got my blood work done, came home, got Kassi ready for school, and sent her off. Not ten minutes later, my dr's office called. I picked up, and my nurse told me she had bad news. As soon as she said that, it felt like my heart stopped. I think I stopped breathing, too. She told me my numbers had gone down significantly, and that meant I no longer had a "viable pregnancy." She said a couple other things, but I have no idea what it was. I hung up and started sobbing. Not just sobbing, but the kind of crying where your whole body shakes. I don't think I have ever cried so hard. This isn't happening. It's not possible. I am pregnant. I was told I am pregnant. After I called Brad and my mom, I looked up, and as I cried, plead with the Lord. "Why? Why would you give me this most precious gift, and then take it away?" I was on the highest of highs, and at that moment, I have never felt lower.

Thank goodness Brad left work and came home to be with me. We cried together for what seemed like hours. I couldn't believe it. I have never been so devastated in all my life. I felt like I was in a nightmare, and I couldn't wake up. We were so happy. There aren't even words to describe how happy we were. And now this.

Brad told Kassi on the way home from the bus stop. She walked in, and said, "It's okay mommmy. We can adopt a baby." I was trying so hard to be strong for her, and as soon as she said that, I started bawling again. When she saw how upset I was, she started to cry. We all sat and cried together.

Brad and I prayed for peace. I needed more than ever to be able to feel my Savior's love. But I was so overcome with shock and frustration, I wasn't feeling it. I won't lie. I was a little angry. Why did he make me pregnant in the first place? It would have been hard to hear that invitro didn't work once again, but it would have been so much easier than hearing that I was pregnant, and finding out I lost the baby.

Brad took Kassi upstairs, and as I sat down in my front room, I saw this framed scripture a dear friend gave to me. "Be still and know that I am God." I put that scripture out where I could see it everyday as a reminder to me that I am not in control, and that I need to have faith in my Savior. As I sat and looked at it that day, I repeated it to myself over and over. Trying to will myself to "Be Still." I spent many more hours and many more days crying. Praying and pleading with the Lord for peace.

I don't know when it came. Honestly. I wish I could say there was one moment when I just felt the grief melt away, but it wasn't like that. It has been a day by day process. Does my heart still ache when I think about that baby that was here so briefly, yet touched our lives so dramatically? Yes. So so much. Did I break down in tears when I sat in my OB's office watching all the pregnant women? Yes. And what do you say to your daughter when she says, "Mom, it's not fair." Me: "What's not fair?" Kassi: "It's not fair that all my friends have little brothers and sisters and I don't." When she said that to me last week, I was shocked. Kassi is so happy. Pretty much the happiest little girl I know. She's never said anything like that to me. You know what I said? "Kassi, Heavenly Father is going to send you a little brother or sister. I promise." You know what I wanted to say? Your right. It's not fair. It's not fair that children all over the world are being abused and neglected. They are homeless and starving. And even though I am not a perfect mom by any means, I would love that child more than anyone could love a child. It's not fair. But guess what? Life isn't fair. It's not fair that I have friends who have cancer, or that I have friends who are out of work. I have friends who have never been married, and friends who are divorced. Friends who are struggling with addiction, and friends who have sick children. The list goes on and on.

This is life. We aren't here for a free ride. How can we get stronger if we don't go through trials? But here's what it comes down to. How do we get through these trials? Am I ashamed for how I have handled this last bump in the road? No. Because I am human. I am so far from perfect it's not even funny. I have had some hard and bitter days. Not once has my faith wavered, but that doesn't mean I haven't asked questions. Haven't wondered why.

But I love my Savior. He has felt what I am feeling. He knows exactly what I am going through. And you know what? I love my life. I do. Does what happened suck? Ya. But I am still blessed beyond what I deserve. And I am going to focus on that. How do people live their lives being so negative all the time? Don't get me wrong. It's okay to have bad days, and cry it out. It's good for us, but I don't want to be miserable. What a sad way of life. I WANT to be happy. And one thing I can say that is good that has come out of this trial, is how strong I've become. If you would have told me 9 months ago when I started the whole invitro process that I would not get a baby out of this, I would have told you that I wouldn't be able to get through that. That I'm not strong enough. But I am. I'm not through it yet, but I know now that I can get through it. The Lord's not going to put us through these trials, and then leave us to get through it by ourselves. As mad and frustrated as I get, I know he has never left my side. I'm so grateful for that knowledge. I would be lost without it.

What's happening next you may ask? Well, we are going the adoption route, which we feel good about, but my heart is still healing. I have to let go of the idea that I will be carrying our next child. I was so excited to be able to be pregnant again. To be able to feel the baby move, to have another child that looks like me and my husband, that looks like Kassi. But I have to focus on what we really want, and that's not for me to be pregnant, but for us to have more children. And I'm more excited for that more than anything. I just have to give myself a little more time to heal, but the thing that's so great is that I know that I will.

Beautiful Heartbreak

I found this video on one of my friend's blogs. It hit me very strongly. Everyone of us has had a heartbreak in our lives. No matter what your trial is, it's your trial, and it's okay to cry and have hard days. But for me, what it has come down to, is what have I learned from this, and how has it made me better? I hope every heartbreak that you all are going through will become a "beautiful" one. xoxo