Third Times A Charm.......we hope

I can't believe how horrible I have been at blogging! I was trying to get caught up, and that obviously hasn't happened. So I decided to take a break from the picture posts, and do an update on our fertility situation.

We are doing our third and final round of invitro in March. So crazy. Not much is different this time. I did my month of birth control, which was a nightmare. Or should I say I was the nightmare. This medicine made me literally crazy! I would yell one second and be crying the next. Then not 2 minutes later I'm laughing. Seriously crazy. And it gave me migraines. So I am so happy to be off that, and I will NEVER have to go on it again. YAY!

I've been on my estrogen for a couple weeks, and yesterday I started my progesterone. I am also on Lovonox. Crap. Let me back up a bit. After my second round of invitro, I was talking to my very frustrated dr, and he could not figure out why the heck I am not getting pregnant. So he decided to do another series of blood tests on me. Tests that aren't even done in Utah. Which is weird. But I didn't ask any questions. I just got my blood drawn here and then sent it off to Chicago. Well, one of the tests came back positive. In the very simplest terms it said that I was not getting enough blood to my uterus. So now I am on Lovonox. A blood thinner that is a shot that goes in my tummy. Thought I would be used to it when my husband gave me the shot last night. Nope. Still hurts. But you do what you gotta do.

There will be several other meds that I will be starting this week, but I am sure you don't really care to know what those are. ;)

Several people have asked me how it all works. So I will briefly explain the frozen embryo transfer process. The morning of the transfer, I have to drink lots and lots of water. On my way there, I take a Valium. Yup, they want you nice and relaxed during the process. By the time I get there, Brad has to help me walk straight inside because the only thing I can think about is not wetting myself. The Valium has kicked in, and if I'm not careful, I will wet my pants. Luckily they get us back pretty quickly, I lay down, and they bring in what looks like an incubator thing. (Now keep in mind, I am totally drugged up at this time and have to pee SO bad, I'm not really paying attention to my surroundings.) The dr is there. He gets a really long skinny tube like device, puts it, um, where it's supposed to go. At the same time they have the ultrasound thingy pressing really hard on my lower abdomen, and then they shoot the little babies up there. Well, not literally shoot, but somehow they put them in the skinny tube and get them in my uterus. The dr double checks to make sure they are in there, and Voila, they're done. I don't watch the ultrasound because I'm doing my best not to pee on the dr's hands, but Brad does, and he says it's really neat. He's sees the little embryos go in. Now they just need to stick!

Anyway, sorry if that was a little TMI. I just know a lot of people are curious. So my friend asked me how I was feeling about doing invitro this final time. "Are you excited?" she asked. Well, I wouldn't really describe myself as excited. The first time I was. It was like Christmas morning the day of my transfer. The second time I was cautiously optimistic. The third time? The best way to describe me is peaceful. Surprised? Ha! I kinda am too. I do have a lot of other things on my mind right now, but both Brad and I feel very at peace with everything. Will it be hard if it doesn't work? Very. But Brad and I also feel very good about adopting. We know that we have done everything we physically could to get pregnant, and if it doesn't work, we know that it's not the Lord's will. Right now anyway.

We went to an adoption orientation at LDS Family Services in January. It was awesome. So neat to learn how it all works. And we will continue that process if we don't get pregnant this time.

The Lord works in mysterious ways, and I am coming to understand some things that I didn't before. I am actually grateful for this trial. Not that we don't have more kids, but the way it's changed Brad and me. We are SO much stronger because of all this. Our testimonies, our marriage, the way we look at life in general has changed. And you know what? If I could, I wouldn't change a thing. I know we are going to have more children. Whether it's through me or someone else, we are going to have more kids.

I feel my Savior's love so strongly. I know he is aware of my challenges. Not just mine, but all of ours. And he loves us so much, and those darkest times, when I have felt so alone, I know he has lifted me up. Because I wouldn't have been able to get through this without him.

One other thing that has been a huge blessing to me is all of you. I am amazed at all the love people have shown Brad and me. I really, truly, love you all. I will never be the same because of YOU! So thank you, and if you don't mind, say a little prayer for Brad and me. We have alot of things going on right now, and could sure use some extra strength.

Hopefully in a couple weeks you'll be hearing some good news from me! Yay! Can't wait!

Halloween 2011 Part 1

Holy crap. I am SO behind! I am trying to catch up. So this post is going to be pics with little wording. Hopefully. I tend to talk to much. Lol!

We went to Gardner Village with my mom, my sis-in-law, Heather, and her sons. It was so fun. And the kids loved it!

Kassi, Zach, and Danny. None of the kids wanted to stand close to the witch. Too funny.

Heather, Zach, Danny, and Max

Such cute kiddos.

Me and my Sassy.

My Mom with the Grandkids.

After we went to Gardner Village we headed over to my in-laws for a fun Halloween Party.
Kassi with my mom and dad-in-law.

Both Kassi and my nephew, Ty, were vampires this year. So cute!

Group pic with the grandkids.

With Grandma Deanne.

It was a fun, and extremely busy Halloween! Love this time of year!

The Little Mermaid at Tuachan

Kassi and I were so lucky to see the Little Mermaid at Tuachan in October with my mom-in-law and sister-in-laws. We had such a blast going down to St George. The production was amazing! I'd never been to Tuachan before, and it is beautiful there! Can't wait to go again!

Group pic before heading to dinner.

Another group pic before heading into the show.

Kassi and me waiting for the show to start.

Kassi, Cambree, and Hailey.

After the show, Wendy, Hailey, and Cambree.

Deanne, Kassi, Hailey, Cambree, and Kristen.

Me and Kassi.

We had so much fun! I have the best in-laws, ever!

30th Birthday Surprise!

I can't believe I turned 30 back in October! I seriously still feel 23. I actually was really struggling with turning 30. I know. I know. 30 is still young. I heard that every time I told someone I was having a hard time with this birthday.

But I wasn't struggling because I was 30. I was struggling with where I was at in my life at 30. When I got married at 21, I naively had planned how it was all going to work out. I got married young, so we would wait a year, and then I'd get pregnant. I'd have the first two kids a couple years apart, then I'd wait three years, and have my last two. I would be done having kids by the time I was 30. Brad and I would be young parents, and have the kids out of the house by our 50's. Then we could travel and enjoy our grandkids while we were still young.

It's so dumb when I think about it now. But my mom was fertile myrtle. She got pregnant when she was thinking about it. I thought I would be the same way.

So as I approached 30, with no end in sight, when it came to the kids situation, I just felt so empty. So incomplete. So stuck.

And once you hit the magical number of 30, your chances of getting pregnant go down even lower. So, now do you see why I was dreading this birthday a little bit?

About a month before my birthday, Brad called me from work and told me that a vendor had invited all their clients to a dinner at Ruth's Chris, (a very delicious and very expensive restaurant.) Something I was very excited about because this had happened before, but only Brad was able to go. He said he didn't know the date yet, but would find out in a couple weeks.

Brad called me from work a couple weeks later, and told me it was going to be on October 3rd, (my birthday,) and if I would be okay going there that night. Are you kidding me? I was thrilled! A nice expensive dinner, for FREE! How great is that! I called my mom to see if she could watch Kassi, and of course she could! It was all working out.

The night of my birthday, we headed over to my parent's, dropped off Kassi, and as I was walking outside, SURPRISE! There was my family, Brad's family, and my closet friends from high school. Our families are so big with spouses and kids, and since it was at my parent's house, he wanted to keep it as small as possible, so don't be offended if you weren't invited. :)

Anyway, I was BLOWN away! I was speechless, and if you know me that doesn't happen very often. My cute hubby had been planning this for 6 weeks! Emailing all my friends, and family. I just never thought Brad would do this. He's the best husband, ever, but he doesn't like parties very much. So I never thought he would plan one himself!

It was the best party! I had such a great time, (even though I didn't get to go to Ruth's Chris.) Lol! And I realized that yes, my life isn't where I thought it would be at this time, but I am so truly blessed, and so happy. I love my life. And I'm grateful that 30 ended up being the best birthday, ever!

I didn't get pics of everyone, unfortunately, but here are most of the party people.
Me with one of my best friends, Linsey, her husband, Eric, and their daughter, London.

My cousin, Brian, his wife Alicia, and their baby, Brody.

My Uncle Steve, Aunt Liz, and cousin, Robbie.

My other 2 besties, Carly and Lisa. Sorry that you are missing Melissa!

Brad and me

My Father-in-law and my sister-in-law, Wendy.

My mom-in-law, and sis-in-law, Kristen.

Me and my sister, Laura.

My sis-in-law, Heather, and her kids, Zach, Danny, and Max. My bro Jarom is missing from this pic. I love the boy's faces in this pic. Priceless! Lol!

My brother, Justin, and his wife Jennica.

Me with my mom, dad, and Kassi, (who is in her jammies and very tired at the end of the party.)

Here are pics from earlier in the day when I was opening my gifts from Brad.

"I have some bad news........."

I have not blogged much about our second attempt at invitro. To be honest, I was trying to pretend it wasn't happening. But both Brad and I were feeling really good about it. They implanted 2 more eggs on December 5th. I was so good this time. Stayed down for two days, and then took it really easy. (If you come over, don't judge me. My house is a disaster.) With it being December, I have been so busy, and have been trying not to stress about it. This week my baby brother got married, and a couple nights ago was the wedding dinner. I started feeling crampy. Then I became a wreck. Luckily, we were busy with wedding stuff, so I couldn't just sit and cry, but I couldn't shake this bad feeling I was having.

We got through the wedding yesterday, which was an amazing day, and this morning went in for blood work. I was trying to stay positive, but at the same time preparing for the worst. We got home, and just kept busy doing stuff around the house and getting Kassi ready for school.

After we had been home about an hour and a half, my phone rings. It's my Dr's office. I thought, wow, that was fast. It must be good news. I pick up, and the nurse sounds happy to talk to me. I got even more excited. Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, her tone changes. "Well, I'm sorry to say, but I have some bad news. You're not pregnant." Brad and I look at each other, and I think we mirrored the same face. Pure sadness. I started to cry, but was doing my best to hold it in until our conversation ended.

After we hung up, Brad and I just sat there, held each other, and sobbed. As much as I was trying to prepare myself for the worst, you just can't. I think about those two little blastocysts that are alive and growing when they go in me, and for some reason, they won't stick. There's no explanation. Everything, once again, looked great.

I wish I could say that I was fine. That it not working the second time is easier, but it's not. It's devastating. I don't understand. I don't know if I ever will. But I do know that the Lord loves us, and he is aware of us. We'll get through this, and move on to the next step. What that is, I don't know. But eventually we will have more kids. It may be through me. It may be through someone else. Who knows, but we will get them here. I just have to continue to be patient.

Family Pics August 2011

We got more pics taken in August this year. For several reasons. First, I wanted 6 year old pics of Kassi. Second, I was thinking I would be pregnant the next month, so I wanted one more family pic of just the three of us. Ya. So obviously that didn't happen, but that's ok. I really liked how they turned out of Kassi. We went to Fotogenix. They did a good job. So here are the ones we purchased.

And my fav. She looks like a little angel.

Kassi's first day of KINDERGARTEN!

So now that the year is just about half way over, I am finally posting Kassi's pics of the first day of school. She is LOVING kindergarten, and her teacher, Mrs. Crockett.

Here is Kassi and my nephew, Zach.

Kassi about to get on the bus.

Waiting in line to go in to class. Can you tell they are excited?

With Mrs Crockett.