The Rough Road of Infertility.........

I've been debating for a long time whether or not to post about my infertility issues. It's a very personal thing for me, so I haven't wanted to, until now. Most of you probably know that my husband and I are trying for a baby. I know I've made several comments about it in previous posts. But alot of you probably don't know the details and probably don't care, but today, as I took yet another negative pregnancy test I wished more than anything I could had someone to talk to that actually knows what I am going through. Or at least read someone else's experiences. I have many friends and family member who I know care very deeply about this and who have listened to me cry many times, but they don't actually know what I'm going through. They can sympathise, but not empathise. For this reason, I am going to start blogging more about my experiences for those women who need someone to relate to. For the rest of you reading this, I'm sorry. You're going to just have to deal with the drama of my road to pregnancy.

So as I said in a previous post, it took me a year to get pregnant with Kassi. That was so hard. Everyone around me was getting pregnant, and I would cry and cry. My mom popped out babies like they were nothing and I thought I would be the same way. When I finally got pregnant, we were so beyond happy. After we had Kassi, I didn't want to wait too long to start trying again for fear it would take another year. Brad, wanted to wait a while. Finally when Kassi was about 18 months we started trying. To my surprise we got pregnant after 4 months. We were so excited. After 7 weeks I miscarried. That was hard. But I thought I would get pregnant again right away. Boy was I ever wrong.

After a year of trying my dr said that I should start taking Clomid, but we would have to get Brad "tested" first. We put it off for months hoping I would just get pregnant and not half to go through the whole testing proccess. Finally we bit the bullet and just did it. When I got the results I was so relieved. Brad had some, uh, issues with his boys. He had a vericosile(sp?)vein. It was causing some blockage and therefore the boys weren't swimming so well and most of them were mutated.(He's going to love me announcing this to everyone.)I was excited cause we were finally getting some answers, but not so excited cause Brad was going to have to have surgery.

By the time he had the surgery, we were going on 2 years of trying. The surgery was horrible to say the least. Well, maybe I should say his recovery was horrible. I won't go into that, though. The Dr said he wouldn't be up to par for probably around six months. Well six months came and went. No prego. So poor Brad had to be tested again. Everything looked good. So then what the heck was going on?

I the started my first round of Clomid. It was horrible. It made me feel so crappy, gave me migraines, and made me a tad crazy. I was on it three months and nothing. So I went off it. They decided to do more testing on me. They did a test were they shoot die in your Fallopian tubes to make sure there is no blockage. Mine were perfect. My Dr was so confused. I had had 2 pregnancies, but for the life of me couldn't get pregnant again.

So I went to see my family Dr who I had heard was helping women get pregnant as well. He diagnosed me with PCOS. I guess my hormones weren't working exactly the way they should have been. So he put me on progesterone and some other stuff for my cysts. I tried that for a couple months and then decided to start Clomid again.

Let me tell you how not fun it is to be taking Clomid by itself, and then combining it with hormones. I look like a 15 year old with the acne plus I've gained like 10-15 pounds depending on the day. My poor, poor husband. He is so patient with me. I'm a serious loony, no joke.

Well, back in March my OB told me if I were his wife he would tell me to do AI(artificial insemination). Brad and I agreed to try one more month and if I didn't get pregnant we would do AI. Well guess what? Yup. No pregnancy. So we did AI. Ya, that's not so fun either. It's like a very painful Pap. Which gives you alot of cramping afterword. Oh well. If this is what it takes to get me pregnant, than so be it. Well, no pregnancy. That month I also had an ovarian cyst burst. Clomid will do that to ya. Give you cysts and make your periods extremely painful. Fun times.

The next month I took all of my ovulation tests and still hadn't ovulated. I called up my nurse and she had me go in for some blood work. Called me back a couple days later. Yup. No ovulation. Well, isn't that what Clomid is supposed to do? Make you ovulate? Why yes, she said, but we are obviously not giving you enough, so I'm gonna go ahead and double your dosage. Lovely. More fun times. Especially for Brad.

That brings it to this month. We once again did AI, and once again, not pregnant. I've tried my best to stay positive through these 4 years as much as possible. And please believe me when I say I am happy for you if you are pregnant cause I am. Genuinely. I don't ever want anyone to be afraid to tell me about there pregnancy. The thing I've learned most from this experience is that everything happens for a reason. Babies are true gifts from God, and if you are pregnant with one, than just know that is what is supposed to be happening. and if you are like me and not getting pregnant, know that the Lord is watching over you. Today I felt extremely low. Just one of those days where you don't even want to get out of bed. Where you question everything you are doing. Wondering what the future is going to hold. Knowing that I have more children waiting to come down, and wondering why I can't get them here. But as I prayed to my Heavenly Father, I knew he was there with me. That even though I feel like he's not listening to my prayers at times, I know he is. I don't know why this has been chosen as one of my trials, but I know I will get through this, and there are things much worse that could be going on in my life right now.

I have a beautiful healthy daughter. She is the one who gets me through this trail. I am so lucky and blessed to have her.

I'm sorry that once again this went on forever. But it's actually made me feel better to write this all down. Hopefully this will be able to help anyone who is going through the same thing. I will keep you all updated on what we do next.