My Imperfections

So I know I said I was going private, but I am kinda thinking I might not anymore. For one, I told Brad since he was the one making me do it that he would have to help me figure out how. We have both been so busy that we just haven't had a chance. For two, I was talking to a friend tonight about my blog and she told me she had forwarded my blog to a friend of hers that is struggling with infertility. I was surprised, but then I thought if I had access to blogs that talked about infertility, I would totally read them because it is nice to relate and to know you aren't alone. If I go private, that won't be able to happen. Not that alot of people read my blog anyway, but just in case there is someone who wants to, I want them to be able to have access. Not that I am saying that I for sure won't go private, but as for now, I have alot to say and alot to post, and I'm not gonna wait on my husband to help me out. :)

Sooooooooo, it is 1:30am, and I can't sleep. I'm just in one of those thinking modes, and it always makes me feel better to write, or type, things out. First of all, we have decided we are going to do INVITRO! Crazy, I know. But after much prayer we feel very good about our decision. I will go into more details later. As for now, I feel the need to get something off my chest.

During this whole infertility process I've always felt that I am doing something wrong or there is something wrong with me. Several years back when we found out Brad had a problem, I was so relieved thinking that it wasn't me. Well, after he had his surgery and we still didn't get pregnant, I went back to wondering what was wrong with me.

I went to several different drs to try to get answers. One of them was my family dr that I have been seeing since I was a teenager. He specializes in alot of natural healing, and has helped many women get pregnant. He put me on special medications. Some natural. Some not. Told me to try and only eat healthy. Lots of protein, fruits, veggies, that type of thing. He also told me to excersise daily, and just to take really good care of myself, and if I do that for a year, then I should get pregnant.

Well, a year came and went. No pregnancy, obviously. I just went in a couple weeks ago and told him we were going to be doing invitro. He was kinda bummed, but very supportive. He's a great dr. Well, recently he was on the Daily Dish,(a local news show) and was talking about his experience with helping women get pregnant. I watched this tonight by the way. As he was going through the list of things women should be doing, I started to get pretty hard on myself. I just keep thinking, did I do EVERYTHING he asked? Heck no. I didn't excersise everyday. I didn't eat healthy everyday. I didn't continue taking all the supplements he wanted me to cause they were so dang expensive. I did most of the things he wanted me to do. As I was thinking about all that. I just decided to beat myself up even more, and thought, maybe the Lord hasn't sent me more children because I'm not a good enough mom. I feel like I am yelling alot more and am more impatient. I can't seem to keep my house clean. I suck at cooking, and I do admit to making Hamburger Helper on a regular basis. I am a stress case, and too overprotective of my child. As I was just sitting there thinking about all this, I started to doubt my decision to do invitro. I have felt so sure that it was going to work for us, but the doubt started to take over. I was just wondering if I had done everything I could in our efforts to get pregnant. I was kinda feeling like a failure.

As I got down on my knees to say my prayers tonight, my mind was muddled with all these thoughts. I couldn't get the words out that I was wanting to say. Finally, I just pleaded with the Lord to help me. I needed his guidance and I needed some peace in my heart. It was then that my mind cleared and I knew that dispite my many imperfections, that the Lord loved me, and that my Savior knew exactly what I was going through. I've said this before, that I know Satan finds any possible way to bring you down. And he does it when you are least expecting it.

I am grateful that even though I make mistakes in all aspects of my life, I know the Lord loves me. And coming in August, we will be pregnant! :)

Ok, I feel much better now. Time to sleep.