Here's What Happened.....

I know pretty much all of you who read my blog know what has happened. I've started writing this post several times, and was just too emotional to continue with it. I think I have things a little more under control, but I warn you. This post is still going to be very emotional for me.

A couple weeks ago, Brad and I went in for blood work to find out if I was pregnant. I had prepared myself that morning of what the results were going to be. I had started to really focus on adoption so when I heard the news that I wasn't pregnant, I would have something to look forward to.

My phone rings. It's my dr's office. I pick it up. Noone's there. Weird. We wait for a minute to see if they call back. Then, without my phone ringing again, I have a voicemail. "Great," I said to Brad, "I get to hear the bad news in a message." I started listening. The nurse told me she had good news. There was implantation. My HCG level was at a 17. Anything over 1 is considered pregnant. While I was listening, I think my eyes got really big, because Brad's did the same thing. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I WAS PREGNANT! I got off the phone and Brad and I broke into tears. We cried and cried. I kept saying, no way, no way. I just couldn't believe that after over 5 years, we finally got the news that we were pregnant. We got down on our knees and thanked our Heavenly Father for the most amazing gift he could ever give us. Another child. We were ecstatic beyond words. We were so excited for Kassi to get home from school so we could tell her. We called our families. Texted close friends. We couldn't contain our happiness. I had bought a big sister shirt for Kassi several years ago, and had stuck it in her closet. Waiting for that day that she would be able to wear it. I got it out, wrapped it up, and when she got home, we got the video camara out, and had her open her gift. She was so excited!

I then posted the news on FB. So many people knew we were finding out that day and were waiting to hear the results. I was so excited to let everyone know. Everyone was so suppportive and happy for our family. I loved sharing the news with all my friends.

The next couple days were filled with looking at the baby online with Kassi. Seeing how big it was. What it looked like. Looking at my maternity clothes. Eating extra healthy. My life had instantly changed. I was pregnant. I felt like my life was moving forward. That this baby we have been waiting for for so long was finlly joining our family.

My nurse told me I would be going in on Thursday to get more blood work done. Just to make sure all my levels were continuing to go up. I was so excited to see where they were at because if they were really high, that was a good indication that I was having twins. We would be thrilled to have twins. But we would be happy with just one. Never did it cross my mind that there was another option.

Thursday morning I went in, got my blood work done, came home, got Kassi ready for school, and sent her off. Not ten minutes later, my dr's office called. I picked up, and my nurse told me she had bad news. As soon as she said that, it felt like my heart stopped. I think I stopped breathing, too. She told me my numbers had gone down significantly, and that meant I no longer had a "viable pregnancy." She said a couple other things, but I have no idea what it was. I hung up and started sobbing. Not just sobbing, but the kind of crying where your whole body shakes. I don't think I have ever cried so hard. This isn't happening. It's not possible. I am pregnant. I was told I am pregnant. After I called Brad and my mom, I looked up, and as I cried, plead with the Lord. "Why? Why would you give me this most precious gift, and then take it away?" I was on the highest of highs, and at that moment, I have never felt lower.

Thank goodness Brad left work and came home to be with me. We cried together for what seemed like hours. I couldn't believe it. I have never been so devastated in all my life. I felt like I was in a nightmare, and I couldn't wake up. We were so happy. There aren't even words to describe how happy we were. And now this.

Brad told Kassi on the way home from the bus stop. She walked in, and said, "It's okay mommmy. We can adopt a baby." I was trying so hard to be strong for her, and as soon as she said that, I started bawling again. When she saw how upset I was, she started to cry. We all sat and cried together.

Brad and I prayed for peace. I needed more than ever to be able to feel my Savior's love. But I was so overcome with shock and frustration, I wasn't feeling it. I won't lie. I was a little angry. Why did he make me pregnant in the first place? It would have been hard to hear that invitro didn't work once again, but it would have been so much easier than hearing that I was pregnant, and finding out I lost the baby.

Brad took Kassi upstairs, and as I sat down in my front room, I saw this framed scripture a dear friend gave to me. "Be still and know that I am God." I put that scripture out where I could see it everyday as a reminder to me that I am not in control, and that I need to have faith in my Savior. As I sat and looked at it that day, I repeated it to myself over and over. Trying to will myself to "Be Still." I spent many more hours and many more days crying. Praying and pleading with the Lord for peace.

I don't know when it came. Honestly. I wish I could say there was one moment when I just felt the grief melt away, but it wasn't like that. It has been a day by day process. Does my heart still ache when I think about that baby that was here so briefly, yet touched our lives so dramatically? Yes. So so much. Did I break down in tears when I sat in my OB's office watching all the pregnant women? Yes. And what do you say to your daughter when she says, "Mom, it's not fair." Me: "What's not fair?" Kassi: "It's not fair that all my friends have little brothers and sisters and I don't." When she said that to me last week, I was shocked. Kassi is so happy. Pretty much the happiest little girl I know. She's never said anything like that to me. You know what I said? "Kassi, Heavenly Father is going to send you a little brother or sister. I promise." You know what I wanted to say? Your right. It's not fair. It's not fair that children all over the world are being abused and neglected. They are homeless and starving. And even though I am not a perfect mom by any means, I would love that child more than anyone could love a child. It's not fair. But guess what? Life isn't fair. It's not fair that I have friends who have cancer, or that I have friends who are out of work. I have friends who have never been married, and friends who are divorced. Friends who are struggling with addiction, and friends who have sick children. The list goes on and on.

This is life. We aren't here for a free ride. How can we get stronger if we don't go through trials? But here's what it comes down to. How do we get through these trials? Am I ashamed for how I have handled this last bump in the road? No. Because I am human. I am so far from perfect it's not even funny. I have had some hard and bitter days. Not once has my faith wavered, but that doesn't mean I haven't asked questions. Haven't wondered why.

But I love my Savior. He has felt what I am feeling. He knows exactly what I am going through. And you know what? I love my life. I do. Does what happened suck? Ya. But I am still blessed beyond what I deserve. And I am going to focus on that. How do people live their lives being so negative all the time? Don't get me wrong. It's okay to have bad days, and cry it out. It's good for us, but I don't want to be miserable. What a sad way of life. I WANT to be happy. And one thing I can say that is good that has come out of this trial, is how strong I've become. If you would have told me 9 months ago when I started the whole invitro process that I would not get a baby out of this, I would have told you that I wouldn't be able to get through that. That I'm not strong enough. But I am. I'm not through it yet, but I know now that I can get through it. The Lord's not going to put us through these trials, and then leave us to get through it by ourselves. As mad and frustrated as I get, I know he has never left my side. I'm so grateful for that knowledge. I would be lost without it.

What's happening next you may ask? Well, we are going the adoption route, which we feel good about, but my heart is still healing. I have to let go of the idea that I will be carrying our next child. I was so excited to be able to be pregnant again. To be able to feel the baby move, to have another child that looks like me and my husband, that looks like Kassi. But I have to focus on what we really want, and that's not for me to be pregnant, but for us to have more children. And I'm more excited for that more than anything. I just have to give myself a little more time to heal, but the thing that's so great is that I know that I will.