Clomid is NOT my friend.....

Can I just take 5 minutes of your time to complain about Clomid? Ok good, cause I was going to anyway. ha!

Clomid is worst drug, like, EVER! Ok, probably not ever, but the worst drug I've ever taken. I've talked to some woman who didn't have many side affects, but most women do. I am one of those women. Lots of side affects. I guess it doesn't help that I am on a really strong dose. Here is what I hate the most about Clomid.

1. I brake out like i'm 15 years old. Seriously. And it's not those little zits you can pop really easily. They are boils. You know the ones that are deep under the skin that never come to a head and hurt like no tomorrow? Ya. So not fun. And they make my face red, blotchy, and swollen looking. So attractive, I know.
2. Headaches. That's all I have to say about that.
3. Weight gain or bloating. Either way I always look three months pregnant. I know what you all are thinking, but it really sucks not being able to fit into your clothes.
4. Hot flashes. Ya. I feel like I'm 50.
5. I'm crazy. Well that's how I feel anyway. My moods are all over the place. One minute I am so happy, then two seconds later I'm crying. No joke. So if you're sitting next to me in church, ignore the waterworks. It's a little uncomfortable, I know. Also, to my awesome neighbors, I'm sorry if you hear me yelling. I have been doing that a little more often lately, too. My poor family.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me vent for a bit. Hopefully this was the last time I will ever have to take this dang medicine. Ok. I'm done now.

Kassi Lost Her First Tooth!

I have been asking Kassi for the last of the several months if she has any loose teeth. She would always say no. Well my little sister is a dental assistant, actually a dental office manager right now. She asked Kassi if she could look in her mouth. That is when she noticed Kassi had a tooth already growing in behind the front one. So we tried over the next couple weeks to get the tooth out. But Kassi started to not want us to touch it. In the mean time, the tooth continued to grow. So, in order to avoid a really crooked tooth, we went to the dentist to get it pulled. They gave her some laughing gas, which was hilarious.

Here is the after pic.

She was so good! I had to step out of the room when the Dr Corbin Strinfellow, (the best dentist!) pulled the tooth out. For some reason it makes me sick. But she didn't make a peep. I'm sure the laughing gas helped that. :)

Here is a pic with Kassi and my sister, Laura.

She was so excited to get a dollar for her tooth from the tooth fairy that night.

A Trial Of My Faith

How many times have I posted on here about having faith? Gosh, in the 4 years since I've miscarried, I couldn't even count the numorous times I've talked about having faith. In the 4 plus years we've been trying to have more children, and I've been talking about having faith, not once have I acknowledged the fact that I was losing it instead of keeping it, until recently.

I have always had a very strong testimony of the gospel. Never once doubted the truthfulness of it. But for some reason, for some time now, I've stopped working on that testimony. I do the things I'm supposed to do. Go to church, read my scriptures, pray, attend the temple as often as I can, but can I honestly say that I was working on my testimony? No, I can't.

I remember as a teenager, I would spend hours on my knees, and my relationship with my Heavenly Father was so strong. I would go to him with questions and knew without a doubt I would get an answer, whether it be the one I wanted or not. Whenever I felt alone, I knew I was never "alone" because I always felt my Savior close by.

And as much as I hate to admit this, I've lost that. I've lost that close relationship I had with the Lord. I've been wondering why, for actually quite awhile now. And ya know what? I know why. When I was in high school, I would wake up at 4:30am to go do baptisms before school every Tuesday. I was constantly making those spirtual sacrifices everyday. I was working on it.

I knew there were things missing in my life. And me going through this whole infertility stuff made it worse. Why when the Lord has commanded us to "multiply and replenish" the earth would he make us wait so long to have more children, and make us go through so much to get them here? I know without a shadow of a doubt the Lord has a reason for this trial, but that almost made things worse for me. I kept thinking,"I know Heavenly Father has more children to send us, so what the heck is taking so long?" I just kept thinking why, and I almost started to push myself even further away from the Lord.

Well, a couple months ago, Brad did what I didn't have the strength to do. He had no idea the torment that was tearing me apart. No one did. But Brad sat me down and said,"I feel like we aren't doing enough. I got a really strong impression that we need to do more. We aren't showing enough faith." I burst into tears, because that was what the Lord had been telling me for a long time, I was just too set in my ways to do anything about it.

Brad told me how he thinks we should be fasting more and going to the temple weekly. And even as he is telling me this, and I know what he is saying is true, I feel the pressure of Satan bearing down on me, and it is a fight within myself. I don't want to change. I am a good person. I am doing exactly what the Lord has asked. Why should I have to do more? Shouldn't what I am doing now be enough?

I swallow those feelings, though, and I agree, secretly ashamed of myself for feeling the way I do. That night I prayed. Harder than I have in a long time. I asked for forgiveness, and prayed for the understanding of what the Lord wants me to do. That night, for the first time in a very long time, I felt that hug. That warmth, that peace that I was searching for for so long, and was just too prideful to see it. And that week when we went to the temple, as we sat in the Celestial Room, I had the most amazing experiance I have ever had in the temple before,(besides my marriage.) I received the answers I was looking for, and it makes me so sad for all the time I've wasted.

They say faith without works is dead. For so long, all I did was talk about my faith, but never did anything for it. Brad and I have gone to the temple every week for the past six weeks, and I can't even begin to tell you the difference it has made in our lives. Not just with the whole infertility thing, but just in our everyday lives. Satan was working on me for so long, and it makes me angry to think of the time I missed feeling this way. I'm so at peace with everything. Do I still have my hard days? Heck ya. But the difference is, instead of Satan bringing me down even lower, I feel my Savior's love lifting me up.

I am so grateful for this gospel. For my Savior, and the love I know he has for me. Now the big question is, what does he have in store for me for these next couple months? Pregnancy? Invitro? Adoption? We did AI today, so I'm praying for the first. :)

I got a boogie got a boogie in the sunshine

Kassi loves to sing. She makes up songs all the time. And she doesn't care who she sings in front of. She really will sing in front of anyone. This little girl has guts. Well, this morning at 6:45am, Brad and I woke up to Kassi singing. Not softly. No, this child does not know the meaning of soft. She was full out belting it. And what was she belting? "I got a boogie got a boogie in the sunshine." Repeated over and over and over again. After five minutes of this, both Brad and I were laughing so hard we were crying. She finally comes in our room, and I ask her what she is singing. She then repeats,"I got a boogie got a boogie in the sunshine." That's when it clicks. "Oh, you're singing Pocketful of Sunshine!" The Natasha Bedingfield song that she has only heard a handful of times. She couldn't remember the words, so of course she made up her own. Why she chose the word boogie, I don't know. Love this girl!

A Day Riding the Frontrunner

Last month we decided to have a day out riding the frontrunner train. We were lucky to go with Brad's mom, Deanne, and my sister-in-law, Kristen, with her three kids. We had a lot of fun. Here are some pics.

Waiting to get on the train. It was cold and windy. That part was not fun.

Waiting for the train to leave.

At the train museum in Ogden.

There was also a little classic car museum that we went through. It was pretty amazing to look at cars that were from the 30's.

This really was a fun day. The kids loved riding on the train. I totally recommend everyone take a day to do it. But bring things they can do on the train. It takes about an hour to go from Salt Lake to Ogden with all the stops. But it was totally worth it.

Disney on Ice

We were so lucky that Brad was given three tickets to Disney on Ice from a vendor at his work. Kassi was ecstatic, and we had a blast.

Here is us waiting for the show to start.

Pics of the show. It was seriously so adorable.

Kassi got a little nervous when some of the "villians" came out, so she hopped on daddy's lap.

We really had so much fun. This is going to sound so cheesy, but I think I watched Kassi more than the show. Seeing the joy on her face literally brought tears to my eyes. There are lots of things that make me happy, but I would give everyone of them up just to see Kassi that happy again. I love being a mom.

A Little Stumble Down This Path.....

*I couldn't download the video on here. I guess it was too long. So the past couple days I have actually been debating on whether to post this or not. I really hate being such a downer on here, but I have opened up on here about this process and what I've been feeling, so I guess I should continue. If not for those who are interested, but for me. So I will never forget this time and take my future children for granted.

Brad made this video of Kassi when she turned one. He had put it on a DVD, but it had been lost in the several moves we've done over the years. I asked him if he still had it on the computer, and he found it for me. I felt the need to watch it. Felt that I needed to see my almost 6 year old as a baby, to remember what it was like to hold her..... I have had a rough couple days, because once again, this month turned up with a negative pregnancy test, and the realization that my "baby" is going to kindergarten this year has really started to depress me. I never in a million years thought that I would be sending my oldest child off to school without having any other children. Some of you are probably thinking, wow, that is going to be so nice for you. Half a day by yourself. But I am sitting here in tears right now just thinking about it. My family is my life. Kassi is my life, and I just have to come to terms that when I send her off to school there is not going to be another child here for me to take care of. And as I sit and cry while writing about it, I am searching. Searching for the peace I need right now.

I thought I had come to terms with the fact that we might have to do invitro. But I was convinced that me having this surgery would help us to get pregnant on our own. And now the thought of going back to the invitro topic flat out scares me to death. I was so sure that if we have to do it, it will work. But....... what if it doesn't? What if we spend thousands of dollars and don't get that baby we are so desperately praying for? We'll be out of money and out of choices.

But that is what life's all about, right? We all take risks. We all go through trials. We all have our good days and bad days, right? I'm so sorry. I told myself I would not get on hear and cry and complain about my problems. So many people have it SO much worse than me. But this is almost like therapy for me. I'm trying so hard to stay strong and have faith. I tell people I'm fine because I want to seem strong. But right now, I'm not. Not even close. Most days I am fine. I look at the pregnant women around me and it brings me pure joy. I think it was watching this video. Bringing back the memories of when I was pregnant with Kassi and when she was born. I think I try and forget what I am missing, or try to focus on the negatives of having a newborn so it will dull the pain. But watching this video just reminded me of the pure joy I had when Kassi was born. I had never been happier and more scared in my entire life. I just want that again. So badly. And I know I will. I just have to be patient. I will get through this day, and be better tomorrow. Once again, thanks for listening. Your comments here on my blog and to me in person are what help get me through this time.