Overwhelmed is an Understatement

So I said in a previous post that I am going to be doing invitro in August. After much thought and prayer, Brad and I knew this was the right step for us to take. So the first step to the process, after all the testing, is birth control. I know. Totally crazy. I'm off birth control for 5 years, and now I'm back on, when I want a baby more than ever. They do that to regulate you and also birth control stops the growth of cysts and endometriosis. I'll be on that til early August.

I start all the other major drugs the end of this month. Well, today all those medications were delivered. Holy cow. I opened the large box and started pulling things out. I pulled out one package of needles. Then another. And another. Oh, and one more. I thought, this can't be right. As I went online to my dr's website and was looking up all the drugs they sent me, I soon realized that I was not having one drug that was done through a shot. I was having 4. FOUR!!!! I started thinking what the heck I got myself into.

I then proceeded to watch the instructional videos on how to give yourself a shot in the stomach. Now keep in mind, every medication has a different instructional video. Each shot has different directions on how you are supposed to prepare it and inject it. By the last video I was in tears, and quite a bit nauseated. I hate needles. My husband hates needles. How are we going to do this? One of us is going to pass out, and it will probably be my husband. Then what are we going to do? There's no way I can give myself a shot.

I started to feel more and more overwhelmed. I thought, what am I doing? This process is doing so much physically, emotionally, and financially, to Brad and I. What if it doesn't work? What if go through all this, and don't get a baby out of it?

I wish I could say I was a strong person. I look at so many of my friends who have gone through so much more and I never see them shed a tear or complain about their situation. Me? I look at a box full of needles and about have a nervous breakdown. You would think by now, with everything else we have gone through to get here, I would be more emotionally ready to go through this experiance.

But I'm not. I'm scared. Really, really scared. This is a total unknown for me. I have a friend who did invitro and she told me she pretty much just stayed in her house for a month. Is that how it's gonna be for me?

My personality is one that does not like to be surprised. When I was younger, I would read the last page of the book I was reading first. I don't do that anymore, even though it is tempting at times. I go online and read all the spoilers for the reality shows I watch. I am the person who goes on vacation and packs an extra suitcase of things just "in case." I like to have things planned out, and don't do well with change. Many of these things I wish I could change, but I am definately a creature of habit, and have a hard time when things get thrown my way that I don't know what's going to happen, or that I can't control. So this whole invitro thing is throwing me through a loop. Even though I know that it's right, and I feel that it's going to work, it is still one of the hardest decisions we've had to make, and will probably be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do.

Gosh I talk too much. Sorry. Just had to get these feelings out. If anyone knows of anyone that has done invitro that could give me some advise, I would much appreciate it. I'll continue to keep you updated on this process. Thanks for all your love and support!

*****On a side note. I was getting ready for bed, thinking about my last post when I thought about what a Debbie Downer I've been. I'm sorry. I am stressed, scared, and anxious about what the future hold for us, but I am happy and extremely blessed. Sorry for being so negative. I really am excited to do invitro. I just can't wait til the shot thing is over. :)

Easter Day 2011

So last night I was half asleep while doing the last entry. Brad is gone this week at scout camp, and I am trying to catch up on here while he's gone. I wanted to do a post last night, but was totally exhausted. So sorry the last post is so boring. LOL! I left out some Easter pics. So I wanted to add these really quick.

Here is Kassi waiting at the top of the stairs to go look for her Easter basket.

Kassi with her Easter basket.

Kassi in her Easter dress.

She is growing up so fast!

Easter 2011

We had a busy and fun Easter this year. We started off at my in-laws for am Easter Egg Hunt.

The kids waiting to go out.

During the hunt.

Jesse being his usual funny self!

Almost all the grandkids with gran and gramps.

Then onto my family party.

My dad with Kassi and Max.

Danny, Kassi, and Zach

This a usual occurance. LOL! Kassi's pants will not stay up. She has no hips and her pants are constantly sliding down. I even buy the pants that you can tighten around the waist, but to no avail. Kassi is still constantly mooning the world. Love this girl!

St George 2011

Our lil' family went down to St George back in April. We are so lucky because my brother-in-law and sister-in-law have a second home down there, and they were nice enough to let us stay for 5 days in their beautiful home. We did some shopping, hung out at the splash pad, and went to Zion's. Here are some pics.

First we went to the splash area that is by the tabernacle.

Kassi excited that she found a ladybug.

While we were shopping at the outlets, Brad helped an older lady get to her car and put her bags in. She then gave him a "Patriot Pin," and called him a patriot for helping her. It was so funny! Here is Brad very proud of his new pin.

Us eating dinner at Chile's. Kassi took the pic of Brad and me. Except for the lighting, she did a pretty good job.

We were so excited that my in-laws could fly out for a couple days. Brad and I really wanted to go to the St George Temple, so they watched Kassi for us.

We also went to Zions for a day. I had never been and was so excited to go. Kassi was such a trooper. We went on several hikes and she was great. It wasn't til the last hike that she started to get ornery and was really scared to walk on the path if it dropped off at all. But all in all we had a great time. The weather was perfect. I can't wait to go again!

My Imperfections

So I know I said I was going private, but I am kinda thinking I might not anymore. For one, I told Brad since he was the one making me do it that he would have to help me figure out how. We have both been so busy that we just haven't had a chance. For two, I was talking to a friend tonight about my blog and she told me she had forwarded my blog to a friend of hers that is struggling with infertility. I was surprised, but then I thought if I had access to blogs that talked about infertility, I would totally read them because it is nice to relate and to know you aren't alone. If I go private, that won't be able to happen. Not that alot of people read my blog anyway, but just in case there is someone who wants to, I want them to be able to have access. Not that I am saying that I for sure won't go private, but as for now, I have alot to say and alot to post, and I'm not gonna wait on my husband to help me out. :)

Sooooooooo, it is 1:30am, and I can't sleep. I'm just in one of those thinking modes, and it always makes me feel better to write, or type, things out. First of all, we have decided we are going to do INVITRO! Crazy, I know. But after much prayer we feel very good about our decision. I will go into more details later. As for now, I feel the need to get something off my chest.

During this whole infertility process I've always felt that I am doing something wrong or there is something wrong with me. Several years back when we found out Brad had a problem, I was so relieved thinking that it wasn't me. Well, after he had his surgery and we still didn't get pregnant, I went back to wondering what was wrong with me.

I went to several different drs to try to get answers. One of them was my family dr that I have been seeing since I was a teenager. He specializes in alot of natural healing, and has helped many women get pregnant. He put me on special medications. Some natural. Some not. Told me to try and only eat healthy. Lots of protein, fruits, veggies, that type of thing. He also told me to excersise daily, and just to take really good care of myself, and if I do that for a year, then I should get pregnant.

Well, a year came and went. No pregnancy, obviously. I just went in a couple weeks ago and told him we were going to be doing invitro. He was kinda bummed, but very supportive. He's a great dr. Well, recently he was on the Daily Dish,(a local news show) and was talking about his experience with helping women get pregnant. I watched this tonight by the way. As he was going through the list of things women should be doing, I started to get pretty hard on myself. I just keep thinking, did I do EVERYTHING he asked? Heck no. I didn't excersise everyday. I didn't eat healthy everyday. I didn't continue taking all the supplements he wanted me to cause they were so dang expensive. I did most of the things he wanted me to do. As I was thinking about all that. I just decided to beat myself up even more, and thought, maybe the Lord hasn't sent me more children because I'm not a good enough mom. I feel like I am yelling alot more and am more impatient. I can't seem to keep my house clean. I suck at cooking, and I do admit to making Hamburger Helper on a regular basis. I am a stress case, and too overprotective of my child. As I was just sitting there thinking about all this, I started to doubt my decision to do invitro. I have felt so sure that it was going to work for us, but the doubt started to take over. I was just wondering if I had done everything I could in our efforts to get pregnant. I was kinda feeling like a failure.

As I got down on my knees to say my prayers tonight, my mind was muddled with all these thoughts. I couldn't get the words out that I was wanting to say. Finally, I just pleaded with the Lord to help me. I needed his guidance and I needed some peace in my heart. It was then that my mind cleared and I knew that dispite my many imperfections, that the Lord loved me, and that my Savior knew exactly what I was going through. I've said this before, that I know Satan finds any possible way to bring you down. And he does it when you are least expecting it.

I am grateful that even though I make mistakes in all aspects of my life, I know the Lord loves me. And coming in August, we will be pregnant! :)

Ok, I feel much better now. Time to sleep.

Going Private

Hey Friends! My husband feels like I share too much info on this blog, (which I probably do) and really wants me to go private. So after a lot of consideration, and him bugging me to death, I have decided to do it. So if you want to continue reading my blog please either email me with your email address or just leave your email address on here. Thanks so much!

Brad's 30th Birthday!

Brad turned 30 this past April. (I know. I'm a little behind.) I wanted to throw him a surprise party, but he told me that if I did, he would no longer be my husband. So I reluctantly agreed. Instead we went to St George. (Pics will be posted on that later.) We did have b-day parties with our families, though. First was my fam.

Then it was Brad's fam.

Wendy and baby Kate

For my mom-in-law's b-day I made her a book with pictures of Brad's fam growing up until recently. I was so happy she loved it. Here's Deanne, Kassi, and Great Grandma June, who is holding the book.

I love Brad so much! He is the most amazing husband and father. He has always been my rock, but especially the past several years. He's been so incredible with everything. Happy Birthday Brad! I love you, BABE!