My Imperfections

So I know I said I was going private, but I am kinda thinking I might not anymore. For one, I told Brad since he was the one making me do it that he would have to help me figure out how. We have both been so busy that we just haven't had a chance. For two, I was talking to a friend tonight about my blog and she told me she had forwarded my blog to a friend of hers that is struggling with infertility. I was surprised, but then I thought if I had access to blogs that talked about infertility, I would totally read them because it is nice to relate and to know you aren't alone. If I go private, that won't be able to happen. Not that alot of people read my blog anyway, but just in case there is someone who wants to, I want them to be able to have access. Not that I am saying that I for sure won't go private, but as for now, I have alot to say and alot to post, and I'm not gonna wait on my husband to help me out. :)

Sooooooooo, it is 1:30am, and I can't sleep. I'm just in one of those thinking modes, and it always makes me feel better to write, or type, things out. First of all, we have decided we are going to do INVITRO! Crazy, I know. But after much prayer we feel very good about our decision. I will go into more details later. As for now, I feel the need to get something off my chest.

During this whole infertility process I've always felt that I am doing something wrong or there is something wrong with me. Several years back when we found out Brad had a problem, I was so relieved thinking that it wasn't me. Well, after he had his surgery and we still didn't get pregnant, I went back to wondering what was wrong with me.

I went to several different drs to try to get answers. One of them was my family dr that I have been seeing since I was a teenager. He specializes in alot of natural healing, and has helped many women get pregnant. He put me on special medications. Some natural. Some not. Told me to try and only eat healthy. Lots of protein, fruits, veggies, that type of thing. He also told me to excersise daily, and just to take really good care of myself, and if I do that for a year, then I should get pregnant.

Well, a year came and went. No pregnancy, obviously. I just went in a couple weeks ago and told him we were going to be doing invitro. He was kinda bummed, but very supportive. He's a great dr. Well, recently he was on the Daily Dish,(a local news show) and was talking about his experience with helping women get pregnant. I watched this tonight by the way. As he was going through the list of things women should be doing, I started to get pretty hard on myself. I just keep thinking, did I do EVERYTHING he asked? Heck no. I didn't excersise everyday. I didn't eat healthy everyday. I didn't continue taking all the supplements he wanted me to cause they were so dang expensive. I did most of the things he wanted me to do. As I was thinking about all that. I just decided to beat myself up even more, and thought, maybe the Lord hasn't sent me more children because I'm not a good enough mom. I feel like I am yelling alot more and am more impatient. I can't seem to keep my house clean. I suck at cooking, and I do admit to making Hamburger Helper on a regular basis. I am a stress case, and too overprotective of my child. As I was just sitting there thinking about all this, I started to doubt my decision to do invitro. I have felt so sure that it was going to work for us, but the doubt started to take over. I was just wondering if I had done everything I could in our efforts to get pregnant. I was kinda feeling like a failure.

As I got down on my knees to say my prayers tonight, my mind was muddled with all these thoughts. I couldn't get the words out that I was wanting to say. Finally, I just pleaded with the Lord to help me. I needed his guidance and I needed some peace in my heart. It was then that my mind cleared and I knew that dispite my many imperfections, that the Lord loved me, and that my Savior knew exactly what I was going through. I've said this before, that I know Satan finds any possible way to bring you down. And he does it when you are least expecting it.

I am grateful that even though I make mistakes in all aspects of my life, I know the Lord loves me. And coming in August, we will be pregnant! :)

Ok, I feel much better now. Time to sleep.

Going Private

Hey Friends! My husband feels like I share too much info on this blog, (which I probably do) and really wants me to go private. So after a lot of consideration, and him bugging me to death, I have decided to do it. So if you want to continue reading my blog please either email me with your email address or just leave your email address on here. Thanks so much!

Brad's 30th Birthday!

Brad turned 30 this past April. (I know. I'm a little behind.) I wanted to throw him a surprise party, but he told me that if I did, he would no longer be my husband. So I reluctantly agreed. Instead we went to St George. (Pics will be posted on that later.) We did have b-day parties with our families, though. First was my fam.

Then it was Brad's fam.

Wendy and baby Kate

For my mom-in-law's b-day I made her a book with pictures of Brad's fam growing up until recently. I was so happy she loved it. Here's Deanne, Kassi, and Great Grandma June, who is holding the book.

I love Brad so much! He is the most amazing husband and father. He has always been my rock, but especially the past several years. He's been so incredible with everything. Happy Birthday Brad! I love you, BABE!

Clomid is NOT my friend.....

Can I just take 5 minutes of your time to complain about Clomid? Ok good, cause I was going to anyway. ha!

Clomid is worst drug, like, EVER! Ok, probably not ever, but the worst drug I've ever taken. I've talked to some woman who didn't have many side affects, but most women do. I am one of those women. Lots of side affects. I guess it doesn't help that I am on a really strong dose. Here is what I hate the most about Clomid.

1. I brake out like i'm 15 years old. Seriously. And it's not those little zits you can pop really easily. They are boils. You know the ones that are deep under the skin that never come to a head and hurt like no tomorrow? Ya. So not fun. And they make my face red, blotchy, and swollen looking. So attractive, I know.
2. Headaches. That's all I have to say about that.
3. Weight gain or bloating. Either way I always look three months pregnant. I know what you all are thinking, but it really sucks not being able to fit into your clothes.
4. Hot flashes. Ya. I feel like I'm 50.
5. I'm crazy. Well that's how I feel anyway. My moods are all over the place. One minute I am so happy, then two seconds later I'm crying. No joke. So if you're sitting next to me in church, ignore the waterworks. It's a little uncomfortable, I know. Also, to my awesome neighbors, I'm sorry if you hear me yelling. I have been doing that a little more often lately, too. My poor family.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me vent for a bit. Hopefully this was the last time I will ever have to take this dang medicine. Ok. I'm done now.

Kassi Lost Her First Tooth!

I have been asking Kassi for the last of the several months if she has any loose teeth. She would always say no. Well my little sister is a dental assistant, actually a dental office manager right now. She asked Kassi if she could look in her mouth. That is when she noticed Kassi had a tooth already growing in behind the front one. So we tried over the next couple weeks to get the tooth out. But Kassi started to not want us to touch it. In the mean time, the tooth continued to grow. So, in order to avoid a really crooked tooth, we went to the dentist to get it pulled. They gave her some laughing gas, which was hilarious.

Here is the after pic.

She was so good! I had to step out of the room when the Dr Corbin Strinfellow, (the best dentist!) pulled the tooth out. For some reason it makes me sick. But she didn't make a peep. I'm sure the laughing gas helped that. :)

Here is a pic with Kassi and my sister, Laura.

She was so excited to get a dollar for her tooth from the tooth fairy that night.

A Trial Of My Faith

How many times have I posted on here about having faith? Gosh, in the 4 years since I've miscarried, I couldn't even count the numorous times I've talked about having faith. In the 4 plus years we've been trying to have more children, and I've been talking about having faith, not once have I acknowledged the fact that I was losing it instead of keeping it, until recently.

I have always had a very strong testimony of the gospel. Never once doubted the truthfulness of it. But for some reason, for some time now, I've stopped working on that testimony. I do the things I'm supposed to do. Go to church, read my scriptures, pray, attend the temple as often as I can, but can I honestly say that I was working on my testimony? No, I can't.

I remember as a teenager, I would spend hours on my knees, and my relationship with my Heavenly Father was so strong. I would go to him with questions and knew without a doubt I would get an answer, whether it be the one I wanted or not. Whenever I felt alone, I knew I was never "alone" because I always felt my Savior close by.

And as much as I hate to admit this, I've lost that. I've lost that close relationship I had with the Lord. I've been wondering why, for actually quite awhile now. And ya know what? I know why. When I was in high school, I would wake up at 4:30am to go do baptisms before school every Tuesday. I was constantly making those spirtual sacrifices everyday. I was working on it.

I knew there were things missing in my life. And me going through this whole infertility stuff made it worse. Why when the Lord has commanded us to "multiply and replenish" the earth would he make us wait so long to have more children, and make us go through so much to get them here? I know without a shadow of a doubt the Lord has a reason for this trial, but that almost made things worse for me. I kept thinking,"I know Heavenly Father has more children to send us, so what the heck is taking so long?" I just kept thinking why, and I almost started to push myself even further away from the Lord.

Well, a couple months ago, Brad did what I didn't have the strength to do. He had no idea the torment that was tearing me apart. No one did. But Brad sat me down and said,"I feel like we aren't doing enough. I got a really strong impression that we need to do more. We aren't showing enough faith." I burst into tears, because that was what the Lord had been telling me for a long time, I was just too set in my ways to do anything about it.

Brad told me how he thinks we should be fasting more and going to the temple weekly. And even as he is telling me this, and I know what he is saying is true, I feel the pressure of Satan bearing down on me, and it is a fight within myself. I don't want to change. I am a good person. I am doing exactly what the Lord has asked. Why should I have to do more? Shouldn't what I am doing now be enough?

I swallow those feelings, though, and I agree, secretly ashamed of myself for feeling the way I do. That night I prayed. Harder than I have in a long time. I asked for forgiveness, and prayed for the understanding of what the Lord wants me to do. That night, for the first time in a very long time, I felt that hug. That warmth, that peace that I was searching for for so long, and was just too prideful to see it. And that week when we went to the temple, as we sat in the Celestial Room, I had the most amazing experiance I have ever had in the temple before,(besides my marriage.) I received the answers I was looking for, and it makes me so sad for all the time I've wasted.

They say faith without works is dead. For so long, all I did was talk about my faith, but never did anything for it. Brad and I have gone to the temple every week for the past six weeks, and I can't even begin to tell you the difference it has made in our lives. Not just with the whole infertility thing, but just in our everyday lives. Satan was working on me for so long, and it makes me angry to think of the time I missed feeling this way. I'm so at peace with everything. Do I still have my hard days? Heck ya. But the difference is, instead of Satan bringing me down even lower, I feel my Savior's love lifting me up.

I am so grateful for this gospel. For my Savior, and the love I know he has for me. Now the big question is, what does he have in store for me for these next couple months? Pregnancy? Invitro? Adoption? We did AI today, so I'm praying for the first. :)

I got a boogie got a boogie in the sunshine

Kassi loves to sing. She makes up songs all the time. And she doesn't care who she sings in front of. She really will sing in front of anyone. This little girl has guts. Well, this morning at 6:45am, Brad and I woke up to Kassi singing. Not softly. No, this child does not know the meaning of soft. She was full out belting it. And what was she belting? "I got a boogie got a boogie in the sunshine." Repeated over and over and over again. After five minutes of this, both Brad and I were laughing so hard we were crying. She finally comes in our room, and I ask her what she is singing. She then repeats,"I got a boogie got a boogie in the sunshine." That's when it clicks. "Oh, you're singing Pocketful of Sunshine!" The Natasha Bedingfield song that she has only heard a handful of times. She couldn't remember the words, so of course she made up her own. Why she chose the word boogie, I don't know. Love this girl!