So it's been a month since my last post. I feel like I am so behind on everything. So this is going to be my last post on the whole infertility/invitro stuff for now. I really need to catch up on all the other stuff that is going on in my life.
So when people see me they always ask how I am doing with everything. For awhile, I didn't want to talk about it because I was an emotional wreck. And then I would think I had my emotions under control, and I would just break down and cry randomly. Last month was the biggest emotional roller coaster I have ever been on. More than anything I just felt frustrated. I just kept thinking about all the what ifs. What if I didn't stay down long enough? What if I was stressing out too much? What if something else is wrong with me? Thinking that much can down right make you crazy.
So I got to a point where I just didn't think about it. But I don't think suppressing all the feelings were good, either. There were times when I got really depressed, and felt like not even getting out of bed in the morning. I would plead with the Lord for some understanding. Something to help me get through this.
Well, it came last weekend through General Conference. The talks were amazing. And I was feeling so uplifted listening to them. But then there came a talk about children. I don't even remember the speaker, but I cried throughout the whole talk. And after that talk was over, I paused the TV,(thank goodness for a DVR) and started venting to Brad. I told him that I am really starting to dislike the phrase "Multiply and replenish the earth." This specific talk had said it several times. As I was talking, I started feeling frustrated. We are commanded to multiply and replenish the earth, and so many good people are not able to. And it makes me kinda angry.
Brad listened to me vent, and then told me he understood why I was frustrated, but I needed to focus on the good things in our lives. And we sat and talked about how blessed we are. We talked about Kassi and how much we love her, and how lucky we are to have her. And then it hit me. I have been so focused on getting pregnant, that I have been letting alot of precious time go by. My daughter is six, and in Kindergarten. I don't have much time before she is going to be gone all day at school. I feel like I have been crazy mommy for so long because of all the hormones and drugs I've been on that I haven't exactly been the nicest person in the world. It was then and there I decided no more. No more being depressed. No more being impatient. I have let too much time slip by. I need to focus more on the family I have now, and not the family I may have in the future. I want to be happy. I don't want to be stressed anymore. I'm sick of my infertility consuming my life.
As Brad and I continued to talk, I told him I don't know what I am going to do if not one of these 5 little frozen babies we have stick. And he said, "We will move on. It'll be hard, but we will stay focused on the positive in our lives, and we'll get through it. We'll adopt." And I thought, you know what? He's right. We are going to have more children. Whether it's through us or someone else, our family will continue to grow. I KNOW that. The Lord has many things in store for us. And that is why I am letting go. Letting go of all the negativity, anger, sadness, frustrations. Because I know it's going to work out. It may not be the way we were planning, but it will work out. It doesn't mean I will never cry over our infertility problems, but it does mean I will not let it define who I am. I am not a woman who can't have more children. I am a happily married woman with a beautiful daughter, and the gospel in my life. How can I ask for anything more than that?
Monday, October 10, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
This is what happened.
So several people have asked me to post what happened. This was my initial post that I took off. Since I am doing a lot better emotionally, I thought I would post it for those of you that are curious. I think most of you reading this are just as surprised as we were because we were so confidant and everything went so amazingly well. So instead of me having to tell everyone over and over again what happened, you can just read this. Remember, alot of strong emotions here. Thanks again for all the love and support you all have shown me. It means so much!
Over the weekend I started feeling really crampy. I began to get a little nervous. Everyone told me not to worry. That it's normal. But I couldn't shake this bad feeling. Yesterday, I woke up, went to the bathroom, and saw that I was spotting. I couldn't believe it. I just said to myself, this isn't happening, this isn't happening. I started to cry. I called Brad. He is so calm. He told me to call the Dr. I called and waited and cried and worried. One of the hardest things was doing this all in front of Kassi. When she saw me crying, she asked me what was wrong. I told her that I thought the babies didn't stay in my tummy. As I went back in the bathroom, I heard Kassi say over and over again, "Please Heavenly Father. Let mommy be pregnant." Ya. That made the crying even worse.
My nurse finally called me back and told me it was normal to spot and not to worry, but they were going to have me go get my blood drawn the next day. Everyone I talked to was so optimistic, and I tried to be, but I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that this wasn't going to turn out the way I wanted it to. As the day went on, the bleeding got a little worse and so did the cramping and so did the crying. This was exactly how I felt when I miscarried. And when you go through something like that, it's hard to not think it's happening again.
When Brad got home, I think it looked as though someone had punched me in the face, it was so swollen. I don't know a time when I have cried so hard. I just kept thinking, there's no way I'm not pregnant. Why would we get the answer that invitro was the right thing to do, and then not get pregnant? Getting pregnant was the only option with this scenerio.
Brad gave me a blessing, and it gave me so much comfort. I fell asleep quickly that night and was anxious to get the results the next day.
Lucky for me, Brad had taken the day off of work. So we went together to get my blood drawn. Everything was still the same. I was still lightly bleeding and cramping. But I felt a little more optimistic. Nothing had changed, so that had to be a good sign, right?
We got home, and waited, and waited, and waited for the results. Finally at 4pm, my nurse called. She said the pregnancy test was negative. As she kept talking, the word NEGATIVE kept ringing through my mind. I couldn't even hear what else she was saying.
I kept my composure til the very end of the conversation, and as soon as I said goodbye, I lost it. I had cried so much the day before, I didn't think I could cry anymore. Boy was I wrong. Brad just held me and we cried together. Then we sat there for, no joke, 2 hours just trying to get it through our head that this didn't work. That those 2 perfect little blastocysts that I loved so much were not going to be joining our family.
I am still wondering what went wrong. Even the drs are shocked. EVERYTHING went perfectly. To be honest, I feel dumb. I feel dumb for putting all this out there. I never thought this would happen. If I had any doubt about me getting pregnant, I never would have blogged about it. But now everyone knows, and I feel almost naive for being so positive.
I have so many emotions going through me right now. I'm mad, sad, depressed, frustrated. There have been times the past 16 hours were I just want to give up. I don't think I can handle anymore disappointment. Should I be resigned to just having one child?
I don't understand why we can't have more children. We were commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. Why did I just read an article last week about a dead baby being found in a bathroom at a store? Why didn't that baby come to us? A family that would love and cherish it more than anything?
I am digging really deep right now, trying to find that hope again. We have 5 frozen embryos. That is my silver lining. My saving grace. What is going to keep me going right now. And I have a beautiful 6 year old little girl who I love more than life. I know the Lord sent her to us to get us through this time. If not for her, well, I don't know what we'd do.
Yes, I am so sad right now. More sad than I think I've ever been before in my life, but I am blessed. And I can't forget that. This is the time when I have to remember those blessings more than anything. I am going to get through this. And someday, I'll look back at this time and be grateful. It probably won't be for a long time, but it'll happen. Someday.
Over the weekend I started feeling really crampy. I began to get a little nervous. Everyone told me not to worry. That it's normal. But I couldn't shake this bad feeling. Yesterday, I woke up, went to the bathroom, and saw that I was spotting. I couldn't believe it. I just said to myself, this isn't happening, this isn't happening. I started to cry. I called Brad. He is so calm. He told me to call the Dr. I called and waited and cried and worried. One of the hardest things was doing this all in front of Kassi. When she saw me crying, she asked me what was wrong. I told her that I thought the babies didn't stay in my tummy. As I went back in the bathroom, I heard Kassi say over and over again, "Please Heavenly Father. Let mommy be pregnant." Ya. That made the crying even worse.
My nurse finally called me back and told me it was normal to spot and not to worry, but they were going to have me go get my blood drawn the next day. Everyone I talked to was so optimistic, and I tried to be, but I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that this wasn't going to turn out the way I wanted it to. As the day went on, the bleeding got a little worse and so did the cramping and so did the crying. This was exactly how I felt when I miscarried. And when you go through something like that, it's hard to not think it's happening again.
When Brad got home, I think it looked as though someone had punched me in the face, it was so swollen. I don't know a time when I have cried so hard. I just kept thinking, there's no way I'm not pregnant. Why would we get the answer that invitro was the right thing to do, and then not get pregnant? Getting pregnant was the only option with this scenerio.
Brad gave me a blessing, and it gave me so much comfort. I fell asleep quickly that night and was anxious to get the results the next day.
Lucky for me, Brad had taken the day off of work. So we went together to get my blood drawn. Everything was still the same. I was still lightly bleeding and cramping. But I felt a little more optimistic. Nothing had changed, so that had to be a good sign, right?
We got home, and waited, and waited, and waited for the results. Finally at 4pm, my nurse called. She said the pregnancy test was negative. As she kept talking, the word NEGATIVE kept ringing through my mind. I couldn't even hear what else she was saying.
I kept my composure til the very end of the conversation, and as soon as I said goodbye, I lost it. I had cried so much the day before, I didn't think I could cry anymore. Boy was I wrong. Brad just held me and we cried together. Then we sat there for, no joke, 2 hours just trying to get it through our head that this didn't work. That those 2 perfect little blastocysts that I loved so much were not going to be joining our family.
I am still wondering what went wrong. Even the drs are shocked. EVERYTHING went perfectly. To be honest, I feel dumb. I feel dumb for putting all this out there. I never thought this would happen. If I had any doubt about me getting pregnant, I never would have blogged about it. But now everyone knows, and I feel almost naive for being so positive.
I have so many emotions going through me right now. I'm mad, sad, depressed, frustrated. There have been times the past 16 hours were I just want to give up. I don't think I can handle anymore disappointment. Should I be resigned to just having one child?
I don't understand why we can't have more children. We were commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. Why did I just read an article last week about a dead baby being found in a bathroom at a store? Why didn't that baby come to us? A family that would love and cherish it more than anything?
I am digging really deep right now, trying to find that hope again. We have 5 frozen embryos. That is my silver lining. My saving grace. What is going to keep me going right now. And I have a beautiful 6 year old little girl who I love more than life. I know the Lord sent her to us to get us through this time. If not for her, well, I don't know what we'd do.
Yes, I am so sad right now. More sad than I think I've ever been before in my life, but I am blessed. And I can't forget that. This is the time when I have to remember those blessings more than anything. I am going to get through this. And someday, I'll look back at this time and be grateful. It probably won't be for a long time, but it'll happen. Someday.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
It didn't happen
I had a longer post on here earlier going in detail of what happened. After thinking more about it, I decided to take it off. Everything is just a little too raw, and I feel I put too many of my private emotions out there. So as of right now. This is all I am going to put. I am not pregnant, and I am devastated.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Yesterday couldn't have gone any better!
I can't believe the day finally came! It seems like I have been waiting forever for this, and it finally came, and went, actually. I was going to write this yesterday, and just didn't feel up to it.
Holy cow! I just realized it's almost been a week since I last posted. So, the day after the retrieval, they called to let me know that 14 out of the 15 eggs fertilized. That was AMAZING! My dr then called me on Saturday, to let me know how my little embryo babies were doing. He said that two were great and four more were doing pretty good. The rest were growing, just at a slower rate. So they decided to do the transfer on the fifth day. It's either on day 3 or 5 that they do the transfer. They would prefer to do a day five because the embryos are more developed, and more likely to survive, but the problem with that, is there is a risk of not many surviving to day five.
So I was very nervous. My hope when I found out they were doing a day five transfer was that I would have two embryos to transfer, and one or two embryos to freeze. I prayed and prayed for these little "babies" to continue to grow.
Monday finally arrives. Brad and I get to the dr office, and we anxiously await to hear how many blastocysts(that's what they are called now that they have been alive for 5 days) we have. The dr comes in and he tells us we have SIX!!!!! YAY! So they implanted two and are freezing four. I couldn't be happier. So now it's the waiting game. We will find out in two weeks if these little babies have attached themselves. I'm thinking inviting thoughts. My uterus needs to be a welcoming environment. Lol.
I also want to say, thank you to everyone who have prayed and thought about us. I truly know the Lord has answered those prayers and has blessed us greatly. And I know I will be getting a phone call in a couple weeks letting us know that a new family member will be joining us. The big question is, one or two? :)
Holy cow! I just realized it's almost been a week since I last posted. So, the day after the retrieval, they called to let me know that 14 out of the 15 eggs fertilized. That was AMAZING! My dr then called me on Saturday, to let me know how my little embryo babies were doing. He said that two were great and four more were doing pretty good. The rest were growing, just at a slower rate. So they decided to do the transfer on the fifth day. It's either on day 3 or 5 that they do the transfer. They would prefer to do a day five because the embryos are more developed, and more likely to survive, but the problem with that, is there is a risk of not many surviving to day five.
So I was very nervous. My hope when I found out they were doing a day five transfer was that I would have two embryos to transfer, and one or two embryos to freeze. I prayed and prayed for these little "babies" to continue to grow.
Monday finally arrives. Brad and I get to the dr office, and we anxiously await to hear how many blastocysts(that's what they are called now that they have been alive for 5 days) we have. The dr comes in and he tells us we have SIX!!!!! YAY! So they implanted two and are freezing four. I couldn't be happier. So now it's the waiting game. We will find out in two weeks if these little babies have attached themselves. I'm thinking inviting thoughts. My uterus needs to be a welcoming environment. Lol.
I also want to say, thank you to everyone who have prayed and thought about us. I truly know the Lord has answered those prayers and has blessed us greatly. And I know I will be getting a phone call in a couple weeks letting us know that a new family member will be joining us. The big question is, one or two? :)
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Egg Retrieval
Today was the day! Crazy! I'm not feeling very well, and am pretty out of it, so here's a quick update. Monday night was my last shot. It was the HCG shot. It didn't hurt too bad going in, but holy crap it hurt the next day. All of you who have done the HCG diet amaze me. I don't know where that shot is done, but mine was done in the stomach. Between getting my blood drawn almost every other day, and my shots, I feel like a bruised up pin cushion. But the good news is, is that the shots are done. YAY! It was so nice last night to not have to worry about shots. I still have to get blood work done, but not as often.
So this morning we woke up bright and early, dropped Kassi off at my sis-in-law's, and headed over to the fertility clinic. They got me all prepped and ready to go. They asked me if I was nervous, but I really wasn't. Just excited.
They put me out, and before I knew it, I was waking up. I had to share a room with another woman. The first woman that I shared a room with had already had the procedure done, and was snoring so loudly. I had to fight back my giggling. So I was afraid of what I would do or say as I was waiting to wake up. Well, the only thing I remember when I woke up was nausea. Bleh. I don't do well when I come out of anesthesia. So I had to stay there longer because I couldn't get up without having to puke.
The Dr came out and told me they had gotten 15 eggs. I was a little disappointed. I thought they were going to get at least 20. But I guess not all of the eggs looked that great. Plus, I overheard the lady next to me only got 12, so that made me feel better. :) I just want them to be able to have some to freeze.
Anyway, now I am laying in bed with what feels like REALLY bad cramps, and feeling pretty achy. But they said tomorrow is going to be worse. That's ok, though. It's all for a good cause. They are going to call me tomorrow and let me know how many fertilized. Then it's just the countdown of when they put them back in. YAY!
So this morning we woke up bright and early, dropped Kassi off at my sis-in-law's, and headed over to the fertility clinic. They got me all prepped and ready to go. They asked me if I was nervous, but I really wasn't. Just excited.
They put me out, and before I knew it, I was waking up. I had to share a room with another woman. The first woman that I shared a room with had already had the procedure done, and was snoring so loudly. I had to fight back my giggling. So I was afraid of what I would do or say as I was waiting to wake up. Well, the only thing I remember when I woke up was nausea. Bleh. I don't do well when I come out of anesthesia. So I had to stay there longer because I couldn't get up without having to puke.
The Dr came out and told me they had gotten 15 eggs. I was a little disappointed. I thought they were going to get at least 20. But I guess not all of the eggs looked that great. Plus, I overheard the lady next to me only got 12, so that made me feel better. :) I just want them to be able to have some to freeze.
Anyway, now I am laying in bed with what feels like REALLY bad cramps, and feeling pretty achy. But they said tomorrow is going to be worse. That's ok, though. It's all for a good cause. They are going to call me tomorrow and let me know how many fertilized. Then it's just the countdown of when they put them back in. YAY!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
So here's the latest......
I've been meaning to update for awhile, but things have been so busy, and when I'm not busy I am tired and not feeling the greatest. So......I know I had told you all I started the Lupron 3 weeks ago. Then I started the Follistim and Menopur a little over a week ago. That injection is not fun at all. We had just gotten used to the Lupron shots. Well these two medications we can combine, which is great because that means two shots instead of three, but the syringe is three times the size of the Lupron, and it has sodium chloride in it which makes it very painful going in. Then I am hunched over in pain for about ten minutes because it BURNS!
Brad has seriously become such a pro at these shots. I don't know why I was even worried about him. He has been my rock through this whole process. I don't know what I'd do without him.
So I've been asked about the side affects these drugs are causing. I already told you about the Lupron side affects. As for the other two, they make me tired. We take the shots at night, and about 30 min after, I am so sleepy. I've also heard of alot of women gaining weight during this process. Well, I have actually lost weight because I have no appetite at all. I seriously have to force myself to eat at times. Ya know when it's that time of month, and you're cramping really bad? Who wants to eat when they feel like that? That's how I constantly feel right now. I'm totally bloated,(cause my ovaries are enlarged,) and I'm totally crampy and really sore. My hormones are also crazy. That's how I was with the Lupron, but these other drugs have made it worse. So fun. Especially for Brad. Lol!
The good news is.........Tomorrow is the last day for shots!!!!! YAY! I have one more night of the medications I was taking before, and then tomorrow is the HCG shot, and then Wednesday is the egg retrieval. Woo Hoo! It's here. It's finally here. Hallelujah! All these things I've had to go through this past month, heck, these past 5 years, is all going to be worth it. I'm so excited, but so nervous at the same time. SO much is going on this week, it is a bit overwhelming, but I can't wait. By mid September we will get a positive preg test, and I can't wait!
I will try to be better about updating everything that is going on this week. Not just to let you all know what's going on, but I want to remember this whole process. I never want to forget what we went through to get more children here. It will hopefully keep me sane when I have twins and they are up all night, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. Lol! Is it weird to say that I am so excited for that?
Brad has seriously become such a pro at these shots. I don't know why I was even worried about him. He has been my rock through this whole process. I don't know what I'd do without him.
So I've been asked about the side affects these drugs are causing. I already told you about the Lupron side affects. As for the other two, they make me tired. We take the shots at night, and about 30 min after, I am so sleepy. I've also heard of alot of women gaining weight during this process. Well, I have actually lost weight because I have no appetite at all. I seriously have to force myself to eat at times. Ya know when it's that time of month, and you're cramping really bad? Who wants to eat when they feel like that? That's how I constantly feel right now. I'm totally bloated,(cause my ovaries are enlarged,) and I'm totally crampy and really sore. My hormones are also crazy. That's how I was with the Lupron, but these other drugs have made it worse. So fun. Especially for Brad. Lol!
The good news is.........Tomorrow is the last day for shots!!!!! YAY! I have one more night of the medications I was taking before, and then tomorrow is the HCG shot, and then Wednesday is the egg retrieval. Woo Hoo! It's here. It's finally here. Hallelujah! All these things I've had to go through this past month, heck, these past 5 years, is all going to be worth it. I'm so excited, but so nervous at the same time. SO much is going on this week, it is a bit overwhelming, but I can't wait. By mid September we will get a positive preg test, and I can't wait!
I will try to be better about updating everything that is going on this week. Not just to let you all know what's going on, but I want to remember this whole process. I never want to forget what we went through to get more children here. It will hopefully keep me sane when I have twins and they are up all night, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. Lol! Is it weird to say that I am so excited for that?
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Tears
"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that EVERY TEAR TODAY WILL BE RETURNED A HUNDREDFOLD WITH TEARS OF REJOICING AND GRATITUDE.....Because Heavenly Father is merciful, a principle of compensation prevails.
Elder Joseph B Wirthlin
An amazing friend of mine gave me that quote when she found out what I was going through. I can't tell you how many times I've read it. Each time I get down and cry, I pull this out and it turns my thought process around quickly. Today has been one of those days.
I went to my first ultrasound today. First of all, let me say that things have been going very smoothly so far. Brad has become a pro at the shots. He has really stepped up to the plate. I'm so lucky to have him. The medication I'm on right now is called Lupron. It's not the greatest drug in the world. I was told the side affects make you feel like you are going through menopause. So I have hot flashes, headaches, mood swings galore, but nothing too bad.
Anyway, as I was saying. I went to my first ultrasound today because I start my additional shots tomorrow. The ones that stimulate my ovaries and make me produce a ton of eggs. Well, at my ultrasound, I was telling the girl my history. That I have endometriosis, and had surgery to remove cysts. As I am telling her this she is looking at my ovaries and says, "Well, I hate to tell you this, but those endometriomas are back." (Those are cysts with fluid in them that are caused by endometriosis.)
I could not believe it. I just had the surgery 8 months ago, and they are already back? My dr and I were hoping we would have a couple years without them. I walked out feeling so discouraged. I know I was told that they can come back fairly quickly, but my dr thought I would have at least a year. I sat in the car, and those tears started coming. I felt so frustrated. It just goes to show that things down there are only getting worse, and I probably will have to get surgery again, and I probably will never be able to get pregnant on my own again. You are probably thinking I had already come to that conclusion. Well, Brad and I were hoping that after we do invitro, and have a baby, that since we won't be "thinking about it," that maybe someday we could get pregnant on our own again. I guess I just didn't want to come to the conclusion that if we ever want more kids after this, that we will always have to do invitro.
After a good cry, and pushing the thought of those dumb cysts out of my mind, it hit me again that what we are doing is right. This is definitely not the ideal way to have a baby, but at least I live at a time when it is possible. I feel so good about this process. I'm still scared out of my mind, but behind that is peace.
So I came home, and pulled out this quote, read it a couple times, and I feel so much better. The Lord know what I am going through, and one day (hopefully in ten months), these sad tears will be replaced with tears of joy, and I can't wait for that.
Elder Joseph B Wirthlin
An amazing friend of mine gave me that quote when she found out what I was going through. I can't tell you how many times I've read it. Each time I get down and cry, I pull this out and it turns my thought process around quickly. Today has been one of those days.
I went to my first ultrasound today. First of all, let me say that things have been going very smoothly so far. Brad has become a pro at the shots. He has really stepped up to the plate. I'm so lucky to have him. The medication I'm on right now is called Lupron. It's not the greatest drug in the world. I was told the side affects make you feel like you are going through menopause. So I have hot flashes, headaches, mood swings galore, but nothing too bad.
Anyway, as I was saying. I went to my first ultrasound today because I start my additional shots tomorrow. The ones that stimulate my ovaries and make me produce a ton of eggs. Well, at my ultrasound, I was telling the girl my history. That I have endometriosis, and had surgery to remove cysts. As I am telling her this she is looking at my ovaries and says, "Well, I hate to tell you this, but those endometriomas are back." (Those are cysts with fluid in them that are caused by endometriosis.)
I could not believe it. I just had the surgery 8 months ago, and they are already back? My dr and I were hoping we would have a couple years without them. I walked out feeling so discouraged. I know I was told that they can come back fairly quickly, but my dr thought I would have at least a year. I sat in the car, and those tears started coming. I felt so frustrated. It just goes to show that things down there are only getting worse, and I probably will have to get surgery again, and I probably will never be able to get pregnant on my own again. You are probably thinking I had already come to that conclusion. Well, Brad and I were hoping that after we do invitro, and have a baby, that since we won't be "thinking about it," that maybe someday we could get pregnant on our own again. I guess I just didn't want to come to the conclusion that if we ever want more kids after this, that we will always have to do invitro.
After a good cry, and pushing the thought of those dumb cysts out of my mind, it hit me again that what we are doing is right. This is definitely not the ideal way to have a baby, but at least I live at a time when it is possible. I feel so good about this process. I'm still scared out of my mind, but behind that is peace.
So I came home, and pulled out this quote, read it a couple times, and I feel so much better. The Lord know what I am going through, and one day (hopefully in ten months), these sad tears will be replaced with tears of joy, and I can't wait for that.
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