How many times have I posted on here about having faith? Gosh, in the 4 years since I've miscarried, I couldn't even count the numorous times I've talked about having faith. In the 4 plus years we've been trying to have more children, and I've been talking about having faith, not once have I acknowledged the fact that I was losing it instead of keeping it, until recently.
I have always had a very strong testimony of the gospel. Never once doubted the truthfulness of it. But for some reason, for some time now, I've stopped working on that testimony. I do the things I'm supposed to do. Go to church, read my scriptures, pray, attend the temple as often as I can, but can I honestly say that I was working on my testimony? No, I can't.
I remember as a teenager, I would spend hours on my knees, and my relationship with my Heavenly Father was so strong. I would go to him with questions and knew without a doubt I would get an answer, whether it be the one I wanted or not. Whenever I felt alone, I knew I was never "alone" because I always felt my Savior close by.
And as much as I hate to admit this, I've lost that. I've lost that close relationship I had with the Lord. I've been wondering why, for actually quite awhile now. And ya know what? I know why. When I was in high school, I would wake up at 4:30am to go do baptisms before school every Tuesday. I was constantly making those spirtual sacrifices everyday. I was working on it.
I knew there were things missing in my life. And me going through this whole infertility stuff made it worse. Why when the Lord has commanded us to "multiply and replenish" the earth would he make us wait so long to have more children, and make us go through so much to get them here? I know without a shadow of a doubt the Lord has a reason for this trial, but that almost made things worse for me. I kept thinking,"I know Heavenly Father has more children to send us, so what the heck is taking so long?" I just kept thinking why, and I almost started to push myself even further away from the Lord.
Well, a couple months ago, Brad did what I didn't have the strength to do. He had no idea the torment that was tearing me apart. No one did. But Brad sat me down and said,"I feel like we aren't doing enough. I got a really strong impression that we need to do more. We aren't showing enough faith." I burst into tears, because that was what the Lord had been telling me for a long time, I was just too set in my ways to do anything about it.
Brad told me how he thinks we should be fasting more and going to the temple weekly. And even as he is telling me this, and I know what he is saying is true, I feel the pressure of Satan bearing down on me, and it is a fight within myself. I don't want to change. I am a good person. I am doing exactly what the Lord has asked. Why should I have to do more? Shouldn't what I am doing now be enough?
I swallow those feelings, though, and I agree, secretly ashamed of myself for feeling the way I do. That night I prayed. Harder than I have in a long time. I asked for forgiveness, and prayed for the understanding of what the Lord wants me to do. That night, for the first time in a very long time, I felt that hug. That warmth, that peace that I was searching for for so long, and was just too prideful to see it. And that week when we went to the temple, as we sat in the Celestial Room, I had the most amazing experiance I have ever had in the temple before,(besides my marriage.) I received the answers I was looking for, and it makes me so sad for all the time I've wasted.
They say faith without works is dead. For so long, all I did was talk about my faith, but never did anything for it. Brad and I have gone to the temple every week for the past six weeks, and I can't even begin to tell you the difference it has made in our lives. Not just with the whole infertility thing, but just in our everyday lives. Satan was working on me for so long, and it makes me angry to think of the time I missed feeling this way. I'm so at peace with everything. Do I still have my hard days? Heck ya. But the difference is, instead of Satan bringing me down even lower, I feel my Savior's love lifting me up.
I am so grateful for this gospel. For my Savior, and the love I know he has for me. Now the big question is, what does he have in store for me for these next couple months? Pregnancy? Invitro? Adoption? We did AI today, so I'm praying for the first. :)
7 comments:
You are so awesome! Great and inspiring post. Love you!
I love this post, Scarlett! Even though I can't understand exactly how YOU personally feel, I can totally relate to the thoughts and feelings you're having...as far as not working on your testimony. I had a much closer relationship with Heavenly Father when I was in middle school and high-school too, and I feel like now I'm just lazy and, like you, do the day-to-day things that I need to, but it's so routine for me now that I'm not really putting the extra effort into going above and beyond to strengthen my weaknesses and testimony.
Anyway, I know that it's so hard to see so many women who don't want children having babies, and it's easy to think, "why not me?" when you're trying your hardest to live your life the right way. But, I also know that this must be happening for a reason & it will get better - hopefully very soon! You and Brad are such incredible parents and you deserve all the blessings that Heavenly Father has in store for you! You are strong. You are a great example to me!
Your post was so good for me to read. I think as mothers we tend to take care of everyone else - physically, emotionally and spiritually - before we take care of ourselves. This last month the Relief Society message made me realize how important it is for us to first take care of ourselves so that we can most importantly be spiritually righteous to receive personal revelation on behalf of ourselves. Then we are able to serve our families, take care of our homes and serve others. It is amazing how when the first part isn't taken care of everything else just doesn't happen as well as it could.
There will be no blessings withheld from your family for the amazing choices and sacrifices you are making!
What a great post! You are so inspiring....really! Thanks for sharing your feelings. So happy you are feeling in a much better place....only good things can happen! Good luck with everything!
Scarlett, you are amazing! I love this post. I think a lot of us feel as though we aren't doing our best to work on our testimonies, especially when you're not particularly doing anything wrong. I think you are an incredibly strong person, a wonderful wife and mother, and I truly look up to you. I am so happy to hear that you're feeling so positive and that your life is being filled with the spirit because of the temple. It's shocking how quickly your attitude changes when you sincerely place your faith and will in God's hands and trust whatever plan He has for us. What a blessing it is to feel your Savior's love! We pray for you and your cute family daily and I think of you often. Thank you for being such a great example in my life!!
Scarlett, you are amazing. I've had similar experiences... hang in there. Looking back on all our years of infertility and adoption, I can see a little better why. #2 will make it to you one day, and when they do, you'll be all the more grateful, and all the better for it. Keep the faith sister! :) This little one might just need some incredible parents, very strong ones, who've been through a lot...
Scarlet:
It looks like your testimony strengthens so many around you! Thank you so much for the reminder that I need to do more. I can relate so much to the trial of infertility and how Satan uses the wonderful desire to have more children and twists it into self doubt and discouragement. I think I'll talk to my husband tonight about what more we can do!! Thank you for being so open.
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