The Final Party!

Kassi's final party was with my family. She had so much fun her birthday week, and was sad when it was all over.

Kassi opening her gifts while sitting with my Dad.

My baby brother, Justin, his fiance, Jennica, and my nephew, Max.

Our lil' fam.

Singing Happy Birthday.

Kass with Grandma.

Kass with Aunt Laura.

Heather and Max.

How gorgeous is my fam? :) So, I haven't talked a whole lot about Kassi on here. Since I decided not to go private, Brad wants me to be very careful about what I say when it comes to our family. But I just have to talk about my lil 6 year old for a minute. Kassi is the life of the party. She loves to smile and laugh. She is, I think, pretty much the happiest little girl I know. Everywhere she goes she talks to people. (I've had to teach her to be a little more careful about that.) She genuinely cares about everyone. Anytime anyone is sad or hurt, she wants to help. I tell Brad, I think she got the best of both of us. She is fun and outgoing like her mom, (She also got my temper. Lol!) but also easygoing and a tease like her dad. She loves to stay busy, but is okay cuddling up on the couch with some popcorn and watching a movie. She does know how to throw a good tantrum, but once it is over, she wraps her arms around you and tells you she's sorry. She LOVES to sing and dance. A total performer. She also loves school and being with her friends. I was always nervous with her being an only child that she would have social problems. Boy, was I ever wrong. That child is friends with everyone. She loves to draw pictures for anyone and everyone. Anytime I am gone, she'll dictate a note to Brad about how much she misses me, and how much she loves me. She looks just like her dad, but has my build to a T. She is my best lil buddy, and as much as I want time to slow down, I love that she is growing up. She's not my baby, even though I always call her that. She is my kid. Everyone who gets to know her gets wrapped around her little finger. She is one special little girl. Ok. I think I am done, but I just have to say again how grateful I am for this little girl. The Lord knew what he was doing when he sent her to us. She is my everything. The reason I get up every morning, and I am so blessed to have her in my life. As hard as it is to be a mom sometimes, there is not one second, that I would wish it away.

Thanks for listening to my rambling. I think that is why I don't talk about her more often. If you get me going, I won't stop. :) Happy Birthday Kass! I love you more than life.

More Kassi Bday Parties

We did alot for Kassi's birthday this year, so I am kinda dividing it up. She woke up in the morning and Brad and I had done some decorating to surprise her.

I think she was excited.

These are the presents she got from Brad and me. She's holding up her fav toy. Barbie Fashion Fairytale.

Brad's side of the family had their party for her, my bro-in-law Jesse, and nephew Trey first.
Opening her gifts from everyone.

Singing Happy Birthday to Kassi, Jesse, and Trey. (My niece, Grace, wanted to be in the pic, too.)

I feel so rushed posting this, but the truth is, I kinda am. Lol! I have a million things to do today, and I shouldn't be on the computer. But I'm so behind I wanted to do one quick post. The next post should be her last bday party.

Going to the zoo for Kassi's bday.

My baby girl turned 6 in August. Like I said before, I am SO behind! I feel bad I haven't blogged about her birthday, but I was a little distracted during August and September.

Anyway, we did not do a birthday party with her friends this year. We are doing every other year with friend parties. And on the off year she gets to choose a fun place to go where she can bring one friend. She chose to go to the zoo this year, and took her friend, Ella. We were lucky to have my sis-in-law, and her three kids come, as well as my mom-in-law, and my mom.

Playing with play-doh before the zoo.

Kassi, Ella, Zach, and Danny

Kassi, Ella, Zach, Danny, Max, and Brad. Kassi was covering he ears because the dinosaur roar was scaring her. Lol!

This time Zach is covering his ears. haha

More group pics.

Waiting in line for the train.

Our lil fam!

It was hot, but we had alot of fun! The Dinosaur displays were neat, but not as great as I thought it would be, and they kinda scared the kids, which was sad, but a little funny.

Heber Camp 2011

Major catch up time. In August we went to Heber Camp with my husband's side of the family. It was so fun! Here are some pics.

Doing the ropes course:
Kristen and Jesse

My cute nephews, Brayden and Trey

Brad and me: I am not looking so cute.

Kassi and my niece, Grace.

My nieces Hailey and Cambree

Brad and my bro in law, Jesse. Love these! It was hilarious when they were doing it!

Getting ready to go on the big swing. Those harnesses are not in the best places. Lol!

Another ropes course-Love this pic of Brad and Adam. Hilarious.

Around the fire pit.

Cute Kate!

On the little lake.
Brian, Cally, Grace, and Eme.

Troy, Wendy, Hailey, and Cambree.

Brayden and Trey

Our lil fam.

Playing in the sand.

On the way home. She was exhausted. But we all had a blast!

Letting Go

So it's been a month since my last post. I feel like I am so behind on everything. So this is going to be my last post on the whole infertility/invitro stuff for now. I really need to catch up on all the other stuff that is going on in my life.

So when people see me they always ask how I am doing with everything. For awhile, I didn't want to talk about it because I was an emotional wreck. And then I would think I had my emotions under control, and I would just break down and cry randomly. Last month was the biggest emotional roller coaster I have ever been on. More than anything I just felt frustrated. I just kept thinking about all the what ifs. What if I didn't stay down long enough? What if I was stressing out too much? What if something else is wrong with me? Thinking that much can down right make you crazy.

So I got to a point where I just didn't think about it. But I don't think suppressing all the feelings were good, either. There were times when I got really depressed, and felt like not even getting out of bed in the morning. I would plead with the Lord for some understanding. Something to help me get through this.

Well, it came last weekend through General Conference. The talks were amazing. And I was feeling so uplifted listening to them. But then there came a talk about children. I don't even remember the speaker, but I cried throughout the whole talk. And after that talk was over, I paused the TV,(thank goodness for a DVR) and started venting to Brad. I told him that I am really starting to dislike the phrase "Multiply and replenish the earth." This specific talk had said it several times. As I was talking, I started feeling frustrated. We are commanded to multiply and replenish the earth, and so many good people are not able to. And it makes me kinda angry.

Brad listened to me vent, and then told me he understood why I was frustrated, but I needed to focus on the good things in our lives. And we sat and talked about how blessed we are. We talked about Kassi and how much we love her, and how lucky we are to have her. And then it hit me. I have been so focused on getting pregnant, that I have been letting alot of precious time go by. My daughter is six, and in Kindergarten. I don't have much time before she is going to be gone all day at school. I feel like I have been crazy mommy for so long because of all the hormones and drugs I've been on that I haven't exactly been the nicest person in the world. It was then and there I decided no more. No more being depressed. No more being impatient. I have let too much time slip by. I need to focus more on the family I have now, and not the family I may have in the future. I want to be happy. I don't want to be stressed anymore. I'm sick of my infertility consuming my life.

As Brad and I continued to talk, I told him I don't know what I am going to do if not one of these 5 little frozen babies we have stick. And he said, "We will move on. It'll be hard, but we will stay focused on the positive in our lives, and we'll get through it. We'll adopt." And I thought, you know what? He's right. We are going to have more children. Whether it's through us or someone else, our family will continue to grow. I KNOW that. The Lord has many things in store for us. And that is why I am letting go. Letting go of all the negativity, anger, sadness, frustrations. Because I know it's going to work out. It may not be the way we were planning, but it will work out. It doesn't mean I will never cry over our infertility problems, but it does mean I will not let it define who I am. I am not a woman who can't have more children. I am a happily married woman with a beautiful daughter, and the gospel in my life. How can I ask for anything more than that?

This is what happened.

So several people have asked me to post what happened. This was my initial post that I took off. Since I am doing a lot better emotionally, I thought I would post it for those of you that are curious. I think most of you reading this are just as surprised as we were because we were so confidant and everything went so amazingly well. So instead of me having to tell everyone over and over again what happened, you can just read this. Remember, alot of strong emotions here. Thanks again for all the love and support you all have shown me. It means so much!

Over the weekend I started feeling really crampy. I began to get a little nervous. Everyone told me not to worry. That it's normal. But I couldn't shake this bad feeling. Yesterday, I woke up, went to the bathroom, and saw that I was spotting. I couldn't believe it. I just said to myself, this isn't happening, this isn't happening. I started to cry. I called Brad. He is so calm. He told me to call the Dr. I called and waited and cried and worried. One of the hardest things was doing this all in front of Kassi. When she saw me crying, she asked me what was wrong. I told her that I thought the babies didn't stay in my tummy. As I went back in the bathroom, I heard Kassi say over and over again, "Please Heavenly Father. Let mommy be pregnant." Ya. That made the crying even worse.

My nurse finally called me back and told me it was normal to spot and not to worry, but they were going to have me go get my blood drawn the next day. Everyone I talked to was so optimistic, and I tried to be, but I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that this wasn't going to turn out the way I wanted it to. As the day went on, the bleeding got a little worse and so did the cramping and so did the crying. This was exactly how I felt when I miscarried. And when you go through something like that, it's hard to not think it's happening again.

When Brad got home, I think it looked as though someone had punched me in the face, it was so swollen. I don't know a time when I have cried so hard. I just kept thinking, there's no way I'm not pregnant. Why would we get the answer that invitro was the right thing to do, and then not get pregnant? Getting pregnant was the only option with this scenerio.

Brad gave me a blessing, and it gave me so much comfort. I fell asleep quickly that night and was anxious to get the results the next day.

Lucky for me, Brad had taken the day off of work. So we went together to get my blood drawn. Everything was still the same. I was still lightly bleeding and cramping. But I felt a little more optimistic. Nothing had changed, so that had to be a good sign, right?

We got home, and waited, and waited, and waited for the results. Finally at 4pm, my nurse called. She said the pregnancy test was negative. As she kept talking, the word NEGATIVE kept ringing through my mind. I couldn't even hear what else she was saying.

I kept my composure til the very end of the conversation, and as soon as I said goodbye, I lost it. I had cried so much the day before, I didn't think I could cry anymore. Boy was I wrong. Brad just held me and we cried together. Then we sat there for, no joke, 2 hours just trying to get it through our head that this didn't work. That those 2 perfect little blastocysts that I loved so much were not going to be joining our family.

I am still wondering what went wrong. Even the drs are shocked. EVERYTHING went perfectly. To be honest, I feel dumb. I feel dumb for putting all this out there. I never thought this would happen. If I had any doubt about me getting pregnant, I never would have blogged about it. But now everyone knows, and I feel almost naive for being so positive.

I have so many emotions going through me right now. I'm mad, sad, depressed, frustrated. There have been times the past 16 hours were I just want to give up. I don't think I can handle anymore disappointment. Should I be resigned to just having one child?

I don't understand why we can't have more children. We were commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. Why did I just read an article last week about a dead baby being found in a bathroom at a store? Why didn't that baby come to us? A family that would love and cherish it more than anything?

I am digging really deep right now, trying to find that hope again. We have 5 frozen embryos. That is my silver lining. My saving grace. What is going to keep me going right now. And I have a beautiful 6 year old little girl who I love more than life. I know the Lord sent her to us to get us through this time. If not for her, well, I don't know what we'd do.

Yes, I am so sad right now. More sad than I think I've ever been before in my life, but I am blessed. And I can't forget that. This is the time when I have to remember those blessings more than anything. I am going to get through this. And someday, I'll look back at this time and be grateful. It probably won't be for a long time, but it'll happen. Someday.